Anesthetize
by Thesickone
Summary: Eric Cartman slowly drifts into madness after being traumatized by events from his childhood. Kyle notices something different about him, but will he want to know what Eric is hiding? Rated M for later chapters including slashes, suicide, rape, and abuse
1. Chapter 1  What Happens Now?

This is my first fanfic ever, so hopefully it's good. I hope I can get enough time to keep writing more chapters.

All characters are owned by Trey Parker and Matt Stone.

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"Anesthetize"

I stared at the reflection of myself in the mirror in my bathroom and noted down every imperfection of my body. No, I'm not big boned – that excuse should be obvious by now. I'm an average 5'6" height for a sixteen year old, but I'm unfortunately a fatass. It never bothered me until middle school when I realized that no girl would ever want to get fucked by a gigantic blog of shit.

The other thing that makes me sick of my body is the scars that haven't faded away over the past few years. These scars were scattered around my wrists, stomach, and legs. Luckily, nobody really notices because nobody would expect me to turn out to be a suicidal freak.

Someone knocked on the bathroom door and a voice said, "Eric! You're supposed to be driving me to school! I don't want to be late, so hurry the fuck up!"

Ugh. It was that filthy jew that I promised to drive to school.

I could never understand Kyle. I attempt to offend him every single day of his life, but it's like it doesn't even bother him anymore. About two weeks ago he invited me over to spend the night and I wore my black shirt with a massively huge swastika on it. Not even that bothers him now. He had also gotten rid of the ushanka and wasn't afraid of showing off his hair. It seems like anything that once bothered him didn't mean anything anymore.

"Shut the fuck up you stupid jew", I shouted. "I can't take a shit without you annoying me can I?"

I grabbed my shirt off the floor, tossed it on, flushed the empty toilet, and opened the door to see the jew's eyes looking directly into mine. He stepped away from me and said, "Aren't you going to wash your hands?"

"No", I answered. "Only dirty jews like you need to keep themselves sanitary from the rest of us normal folks."

Kyle rolled his eyes and made his way down the hallway and I followed. When we got to the car I pulled out a cigarette, lit it, and blew the smoke in Kyle's face.

"What the fuck Eric", he said coughing dramatically. "Is that really necessary?"

I didn't respond. Instead, I felt like just tuning everything around me off and focusing on the road.

I had to park next to Clyde in the school parking lot. Everyone knew that Clyde was fucking Stan's ex-girlfriend Wendy, yet Stan would never succumb to that fact.

"Thanks for the ride", Kyle said stepping out of the car. "Can I get a ride home too?"

"No", I said slamming my hand against the steering wheel. "Fuck! Alright, fine."

Kyle looked strangely at me as I stepped out of my car grabbing my backpack. I swear that he looked like he saw a fucking Dinosaur. I slammed the car door shut and asked, "Who the fuck are you staring at jew?"

"Eric", he murmured. "Are you…doing ok?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. Sense when did you care?"

"It's just…never mind."

He started walking away from me and I looked down to notice that my shirt wasn't clearly hiding all of my cuts on my upper arms.

I shoved my hands into my pockets to grab a pack of my cigarettes out when Kenny appeared behind me saying, "Can I bum one?"

"Fuck off", I said. "Get a job you poor little fuck."

Kenny giggled a little bit as I pulled a cigarette out and he yanked it out of my hands.

"God dammit Kenny!"

I breathed heavily and got over it. It wasn't worth getting angry over.

Kenny's my best friend, even though we get in fights once a while. The only thing that bothered me about him was how he was able to get any girl in the school that he wanted. He's also the biggest stoner in the school. Yesterday he brought a guitar case here and shoved a bong in it and we ended up getting high as fuck in the school bathroom.

"Eric, look", he said pointing towards Stan who was just getting out of his truck. "I think he's got Wendy in the car too."

I looked over for a second to see Stan making out with that slut and turned my head away in disgust.

"Fucking sick", I spat on the ground. "He still cares about that whore?"

Kenny laughed as he started walking away from me. I caught up to him as we headed towards the high school. I studied the way he walked and the movements of his face as he yawned. It was turning me on. I know what you're thinking that it's sick to have a thing for your best friend. You don't have to tell me. I spent Saturday night wanking off to his pictures on facebook with a bucket of KFC next to me.

"Kenny", I said. "What's your opinion on suicide?"

He looked at me still smiling, "I don't care."

The conversation ended there.

School went by pretty fast until I reached English and we had a guest speaker. It was a shock to see that it was Mr. Mackey, the school counselor from my elementary school. I sat next to Stan as he was texting Wendy.

Mr. Mackey woke half the class up when he said, "I'm here to talk about something important, mkay?"

I laughed, pulling out a notebook and flipping to a random doodling of an iron cross I had shaded halfway in.

"How many of you know what sexual abuse is", Mackey asked. "Just raise your hands if you know, mkay?"

My pencil stopped as my eyes were looking directly at him. Shivers went down my body as I started to get frustrated. I picked up the pencil and kept shading in my iron cross, but this time used more pressure on the pencil.

"Ok, Well that's about almost every student", he said. "Does anyone have any ideas on how you could stop someone from getting sexually abused?"

The tip of the pencil broke off and I started biting my lip down. Stan blurted out, "The girl could just buy a chastity lock."

Half of the class laughed at the Jock's stupid joke. I didn't though. Actually, I more wanted to stand up, grab the desk and slam it into Stan's face.

I hated Stan. He always bothered me as if I wasn't there even though we sat together in lunch. He was more into football then me for sure. The thing was that Stan was a complete idiot. He had a crush on Wendy ever sense the fourth grade and no matter how many times she cheated on his ass he kept coming back to her for more.

"Anyone else", Mackey asked. "Don't be shy to speak up, mkay."

My hands were rattling and I needed to get the fuck out of that room.

I stood up, shoved my notebook in my backpack, through my backpack over my shoulders, and then told the teacher I needed to go the bathroom. I rushed my way out of that fucking room and made my way down the hallways. I couldn't get the fucking thoughts out of my head.

The school hallways were completely empty. I wanted to leave, but I remembered that I told that jew that I'd take him home. That's when I realized today was going to be a long day.

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Next chapter will be longer and I'll show a darker side of Cartman that isn't shown in here. Hope you enjoy.


	2. Chapter 2 Glass Arm Shattering

I'm thinking about doing different POV's in later chapters. If anyone else is reading, do you think that's a good idea? Also, this chapter contains sex and drug use, so just warning you. I don't encourage you to do anything I write - this is just a fanfic!

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I'm pretty sure I waited at least thirty minutes for Kyle after school in my car before he started walking out the school doors. He opened the passenger door and I immediately yelled, "Back seat you fucking jew!"

He slammed the door and got in the back of my car. I couldn't stop laughing and for once in a long time, he seemed bothered by something I said. He looked at me and said, "Sorry for being so late. I had to take a shower after basketball practice."

I started the car and pulled a cigarette out and replied, "Sense when were jews good at sports?"

"There are many you probably don't know about", he said sighing. "Anyways, can I hang out at your house tonight? I don't feel like being stuck in my house bored all night."

"Fuck", I said after dropping my lighter. "Sure, but we're having pork for Dinner and having a reading of Mein Kampf when we get to my house."

I tried focusing on the road with one hand on the steering wheel while using the other to dig around my crotch for my lighter. It felt like I had accomplished a fucking marathon when I found it. Kyle rolled down one of the back windows as I took a long drag off of my fag.

"You know that can give you cancer?"

"I guess that's why they call them death sticks."

"Does that even bother you?"

It took me a couple seconds to answer that. I took the time thinking about it by reaching a hand over to the glove box and pretending to search for something. "I'll quit someday", I answered. "Don't worry about me and you'll save allot of time in your life."

I stopped the car in the garage of my house, stepped out of the car, grabbed my bag, dropped the cigarette, and stepped on it. We got inside the house and I went straight towards the kitchen. I heard Kyle scream for a second and I looked back to see my pig, Fluffy, squealing at him.

"Cartman", he said. "You're fucking pig won't shut up!"

I grabbed a pizza box out of the fridge and put it down on the kitchen counter. "He protects me from kidney stealing jews", I replied. "Especially ones named Kyle."

Kyle walked over to me and asked slowly, "What happened to your arms?"

Fucking bitch. I knew he was going to ask that question at some point. Why can't he just mind his own fucking business?

"Well…." I said thinking of a lie. "I was at Kenny's and one of his cats was clawing at me, so I ended up having to kick the cat away from me."

I grabbed a piece of pizza out of the box and took a bite of it. Too lazy to microwave it; besides, cold pizza is fucking amazing.

"I got movies upstairs", I said changing the subject. "I'll be up after I get some food."

He looked at me for a good couple seconds before heading up the stairs to my room. After finishing that piece I grabbed three more, sat them on each other, and took a bite of all three of them at once. I embraced the flavors of pineapple, pepperoni, cheese, and sauce. Each bite brought me closer to feeling less bothered by all the shit I was dealing with. Once all of it was gone I wiped my greasy fingers off on my pants and ran upstairs to my room.

Kyle was sitting on the floor digging through a collection of my movies. "Most of these aren't even movies", he said reading the back of a film. "Snuff films and homemade gore flicks?"

"You have a problem with that", I asked. "Most of them have a decent plot."

"Which ones?"

"The one your holding is about a Nazi who falls in love with a woman who is secretly a jew. When he finds out who she really is he tortures her in his basement for the rest of the movie."

He breathed heavily and tossed it away from him.

"Are you ok, Eric", he asked. "I mean, Kenny told me you asked him a strange question this morning about suicide."

I rolled my eyes and walked over to grab a movie, "I'm fine, jew fag. Besides, I'm not the type of pussy that would off himself."

Lies slipped off my tongue like a one legged ice skater repetitively slamming his ass on the ice.

"Are you seriously expecting me to believe that? With these movies, the cuts on your arms and with what you asked Kenny?"

"Pretty much."

"I've known you forever. You can't fucking trust me? Even after I told you all my secrets last year?"

"Can't you mind your own fucking business you stupid kike? Now we can either watch a movie or you can get the fuck out of my house."

"Whatever", he said under his breath. "I'll see you at school tomorrow."

I didn't expect that. He grabbed his bag off the carpet and rushed out of my room. The second he got out I slammed my door shut. That fucking bastard thinks he can help me? He doesn't know shit.

I went to the bathroom, took my shirt off and left it in the sink. Then I opened up a cabinet and moved the toothpaste and mouthwash to reveal the razor that was calling me. There was no other choice. I pulled the razor to my chest, but my phone started ringing before I could get the chance.

"Who the fuck is this?"

"It's Kenny."

"Oh", I said dropping the razor. "What's up? And no, I can't give you any money you poor fuck."

"Nah, man. I was wondering if I could come over."

"Sure. I just kicked Kyle out."

I put the phone on speaker so I could lay it down next to the sink and put my shirt back on. "I'll bring some bud", he said. "See you in approximately ten minutes."

I ran out of my bathroom and started rearranging the DVD's that were scattered on the floor in a box. Yes, these movies might have been sick and disturbing, but I find them comforting. It makes me feel good to know that I'm not the only one who has a sick imagination.

I got a text on my cellphone, which I expected to be from Kenny, but was from Stan. Why would he possibly texting me? Has he finally thought of ditching Wendy? Is he sick of being around Kyle almost every second of the day? I braced for something interesting as I opened the message which said,

"Send this message to ten people or else an old lady will strangle you in your sleep!"

Fucking asshole.

The doorbell rang and I ran my fatass down the stairs. I opened the door and Kenny pushed his way past me and sprinted up the stairs. My legs were aching, so I decided to walk up the stairs. Kenny was at the top looking at me and pulled out his lighter. I finally reached the stairs and said, "My mom shouldn't be home until late tonight. I bet she's selling her ass on the streets."

We got in my room and he jumped onto my bed, pulling out a tiny bag and a hand sized pipe from his pocket. I rushed over and sat on the opposite side of the bed facing him. He stuck his tongue out as he stuffed the pipe, but I paid more attention to his face. I wanted to just put my hand through his blonde hair, my thumb rubbing his cheek and I would kiss his lips. Although, I knew he wouldn't ever be interested in me. Kenny might have been bisexual and he might be able to fuck anyone he wants, but I'm too disgusting for him.

Kenny handed the lighter and piece to me and I took a hit, inhaled for as long as I could, then almost coughed my lungs out. Kenny and I took turns doing this for a good five minutes before he started playing some stoner metal off of my laptop. I moved closer to him and tried to make sure he didn't notice. I don't know how I did it, but I brought myself to him, put my lips against his and pulled myself back.

He looked surprised. My body went cold and I didn't know if I would expect him to hate me or what.

"What the fuck", he gasped. "Where did that come from?"

I fell off my bed and said, "I'm so fucking sorry dude."

He got down on the carpet next to me and replied, "No, don't be." Our bodies touched as we kissed again. Holy fuck. I felt embarrassed that he could probably feel my hard on. This is what I wanted though, after those countless nights of him in my head while I was alone in the dark of my room, but I still felt uncomfortable.

I pulled his shirt up and put my rubbed my thumb against his cheek while the other hand brushed through his hair with my tongue in his mouth. He got on up on his knees and tried to pull my shirt up, but my hands reflexed grabbing his and I panicked, "I would rather have my shirt on."

"It's ok Eric", he said trying to fight back. "I won't judge you."

"It's not that. I just don't want my shirt off."

He looked at me oddly for a couple seconds, then decided to let go. I pulled my pants down to my knees as he watched. Our eyes locked on each other as he slid my boxers down and I gulped, afraid of what he would think.

Kenny didn't comment, but instead, went down on me anyways. I had never had someone do something like this to me for so long. Even better, I was letting him do it. Maybe I could go through with all of this.

"Stop", I said moaning. "I'm going to…"

It was too late. He slowly pulled his head up and swallowed it all down. He brought himself back down to me and laid his chest against mine. The music off the laptop stopped, then Kenny reached his arm below my shirt and pulled it up, revealing the scars.

"What the fuck is this Eric", he said. "Are you hurting yourself?"

I pulled my pants up and pushed myself away from him. "Kenny", I said. "It's nothing."

"What's nothing", he yelled at me standing up. "Why did you ask me that question this morning?"

I picked myself up and felt like breaking down right there. I was becoming so weak, even though I was known to be the fucking school bully – the badass. I walked over to him and answered, "I didn't mean it. Please, just don't tell anyone."

He laughed to himself and I watched, feeling ashamed. He grabbed his pipe off the bed, shoved it back in his pocket, and walked out of my room. I knew the only way I could ever get a chance to get back Kenny would be to answer why I was doing it. Kyle knows too now. I'm not worried about Kenny telling, but that jew doesn't know how to keep his mouth shut. I knew his deepest secrets. He knew what I was capable of if he told a single soul what I was doing – and I would make sure if he did, I would ruin that fucker's life.


	3. Chapter 3  Where We Would Be

**Kyle's POV: **

I took the bus this morning. After what happened last night, I knew Cartman probably didn't want me near him. This doesn't mean I didn't care about him – In fact, I spent all of last night thinking about him. Yeah, he might of bash my religion on a daily basis and think I'm the scum of the earth, but he doesn't know that I probably care about him more than he thinks.

Eric wasn't in Chemistry, which seemed strange. I didn't see Stan until lunch time. I had to sit next to all the jocks if I wanted to sit next to Stan, which seemed to be a huge pain in the ass. His football friends are the most arrogant assholes in the school. Kenny was sitting next to Pip and Damien at the back table.

I wasn't hungry at all, so I decided to not get in line for lunch. I waited for Stan for a good five minutes until he slammed his tray down to get my attention. He sat down and said, "You look tired. You're never tired."

"I didn't sleep", I replied. "I don't know if I will tonight either."

He gazed at me with a curios face and asked, "What's going on?"

I took one of his french fries and nibbled on it. I could trust Stan. "It's Cartman", I told him. "I'm…worried about him."

Stan spat chocolate milk all over his tray and laughed hysterically. All I could do was grin, but I wasn't that surprised. "What's wrong with Cartman", he joked. "Did his slut mom go back to making sadistic pornos?"

"No", I said in serious tone. "He's becoming suicidal."

Stan's face changed immediately after I said that. He took a napkin and whipped his face off before moving his eyes around to see Craig and Clyde sitting close by. He stood up and said, "I think we should talk somewhere else."

We both made our way out of the cafeteria and about halfway down a hallway until there wasn't anyone that could slip into sight. "I can tell you a secret about Cartman", he whispered. "But you have to promise not to tell him I told you. Don't even bring it up to him."

"Alright."

Stan kept looking behind him to make sure nobody was nearby. He looked at me and said quietly, "In fifth grade, I used to spend the night at his house allot. Around this time, his mother had gone back into prostituting. Well, one night I woke up from my sleeping bag in the guest room hearing loud noises. I tip toed down the halls to his room and…"

He looked behind him again and started chewing on his fingernails.

"…There was a man on top of him. Kyle, he was naked. I didn't know what to do. I just watched for a minute and went back to my room. I couldn't think of what to do, so I didn't tell anyone."

I felt like a thousand bullets had rained down against me. How the fuck did I not notice? Why wasn't I even there for him? It's my fault. I tried to hold back my tears but I didn't know how.

"This is my fault", I whimpered. "I was a horrible friend, wasn't I?"

Stan unexpectedly hugged me and I tried dropping down, but he held he up. "It's not your fault", he said softly. "He's a tough guy. He'll move on, eventually."

I toughened myself up and he let go of me. I pretended that Stan was correct, but in my head, I knew that Cartman wasn't going to be ok. How the fuck could Stan just say that he witnessed Eric being molested, but then act like it's just a chip on his fucking shoulder? Holy Moses, was I the only one that gave a shit about him?

"I'm going to just wait until the bell rings for the next class out here", I told him. "I hope you can understand that I want to be left alone right now."

"But your backpack is at the table."

"I know Stan."

He backed away from me taking slow steps before picking back up his pace and walking away from me.

Fucking AP Geometry was horrible. I'm the A plus student, but thoughts about Cartman just stormed through my thoughts. Eventually, I tried to text him, but the teacher took my phone. This meant I would have to spend basketball having the couch bitch at me for missing shots. What the hell was I even doing playing basketball? Maybe Cartman was right about jews and sports. Fuck, every second of the day at school I couldn't stop thinking about him.

Once school was over I got a ride on the bus to Eric's neighborhood. The blizzard from this morning was only getting worse. I fell face first in the snow at least three times on the way to his house. Once I had gotten to his door, I stood there with my finger on the doorbell and thinking about if I should press it or not. I nearly jumped out of my fucking skin when the door opened and his mom was there.

"Oh hi Kyle", she said with the biggest smile on her face. "Eric said he was sick this morning."

"I would like to talk to him if that's ok with you."

"Oh sure", she said letting me in. "You know where his room is."

I stepped inside and took off my shoes. Shit, I couldn't stand the thought of looking at his mother now. Was she still prostituting? Was Eric still being abused? It was mainly her fault, but she probably doesn't even care.

Before I had even taken the first step up the stairs, Cartman was looking down from above at me. He walked away and I carefully walked up the stairs, trying not to slip on my soaked socks. When I got up to his room it was a fucking mess. Posters were torn off the walls, pages were scattered across the room from books, clothes piled up near his closet, and a pile of dirty dishes sat on his night stand. He was staring at this print size image and asked me, "You know who Andres Serrano."

I nodded my head. Being in the room was uncomfortable, but I knew I had to figure a way to help him out.

"He's a shock artist", he said tossing the image towards me. "That's one of his works. He took a picture of a piece of shit and probably sold it for thousands of dollars."

I looked at it for a brief second before looking away. The picture was disgusting. He rocked back and forth in a strange motion on his bed. I walked closer to him and said, "Eric, Let me help you."

He didn't respond – just kept rocking back and forth. I was slightly disturbed, but kept walking towards him slowly. My heart started racing as I put a hand on his shoulder. He suddenly jumped off the bed onto me, pulling a switchblade out of his pocket and raised it above his head. I pulled my hands up as he tried piercing me with it and held his arms. "CARTMAN", I screamed. "WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?"

He let go of me and tossed himself off and over me. I crawled backwards from him through a pile of torn up trash.

"Holy shit", he said quietly to himself. "What the hell is wrong with me?"

Eric dropped the switchblade from his hands and started sobbing. It was that baby type crying he used to make in elementary school when he didn't get something he wanted. I pulled myself closer to him and put my hands around him like Stan had done to me. His head dropped into my chest and I rested my head on his.

Between the sound of holding back snot and moaning he said to me, "Kyle, I'm fucking sorry. I'm sorry for everything. All these years of me humiliating you and making fun of your religion, even though it is fucking stupid, I never thought about your feelings. I was just trying to prove that I was tough, but I'm not. I'm as weak as you and everyone else on this fucking planet."

I brushed his greasy brown hair with one hand and felt something that I hadn't felt with anyone else. I thought about when Stan and I kissed two years ago and he rejected me. I thought of when I was pressured into sex while dating Bebe and decided I couldn't go through with it. I was gay, but was I seriously falling in love with Cartman?

He pulled himself away from me, climbed back on top of his bed, pulled back the sheets and got in. "I'm going to bed, Kahl", he told me. "You can stay if you want."

I stood up and walked towards the door ready to leave, but something else came to my head. I turned the lights off in his room, walked to his bed, and got in it with him. He turned his head towards me and closed his eyes.

He whispered to me, "Goodnight."

"Cartman", I said putting myself next to him. "…I love you."

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Next chapter will reveal allot of secrets about Cartman.


	4. Chapter 4 Aura On An Asylum Wall

**Cartman's POV:**

It's eight at night when I wake up with Kyle's hands plastered to my chest. The jew was drooling all over my pillows. I got out of bed and walked downstairs to go find some food. It was strange to hear my mom's voice at this time of the day because she's usually out to one of her support groups right now.

When I got down to the last step I kept one hand in my right pocket holding onto a small razorblade. This was something I do anytime my mother is near me. I get into the kitchen to see her unpacking groceries and stuffing things into the fridge.

"How did you get home so early", I asked her. "And did you get that rainbow flavored ice cream that I love so very much?"

"Oh sweetie I forgot."

I imagined myself taking the razor out of my pocket, walking up to her and splitting her neck open. Her eyes would dramatically look into mine with confusion and I would let her drop to the floor. She would pull one arm up as if she wanted me to pick her up and I would spit on her face. None of this would have happened though.

Mother walked over to me with a bag of Hostess donuts and handed them to me. "The fuck is this", I said tossing it to the ground. "A bag of fucking doughnuts is the most you can give your son out of love? What about the time you sat in my room watching a man put his dick in my ass so you could get an extra hundred dollars?"

"Eric sweetie, you know I had no control over that", she said trying to comfort me. "But I stopped all of that and now everything is fine."

I pulled the razorblade out of my pocket and held it to my neck. "Is everything really fine", I screamed at her. "I can't go a day without thinking of what those men did to me. It's your fucking fault!"

She tried to get closer to me, but that only made me pull the blade closer to my throat. I put the blade down, shoved it in my pocket, and as I picked up the bag of donuts I instructed, "I want you to kill yourself."

As I turned around to go back upstairs I could see Kyle sitting on the stairs with his head down. I passed him by and started walking upstairs to my room. He followed me up and I sat on my bed opening the bag up and stuffing the chocolate donuts in my mouth. I looked to my right to see Kyle at the door staring at me. I kept shoving shit into my mouth in anger. Food was the solution and the answer to my issues.

"Cartman", Kyle said walking towards me. "I think you should stop."

And for some reason I did. He sat next to me on my bed facing me and put a hand on my leg. I pushed his hand away from me, stood up and said, "I'm going to Kenny's house. You can come with if you want to."

I grabbed my red jacket off the carpet and put it on. He followed me out of my room and we rushed down the stairs to the garage. He walked over to one of the backdoors of the car and then I said, "You don't have to sit in the back."

Once we got in the car I lit up a cigarette and asked if he wanted one just for laughs. Of course his answer was no and he babbled about lung cancer the whole way to Kenny's house. When we got up to his driveway, I flicked my cigarette out and said to Kyle, "Yeah, but who wants to live forever?"

When we got up to the door I rang the doorbell about fifty times until Kenny's crack head mom slowly opened the door peeking out with an eye and asked, "Who is it?"

"Kenny's friends", I answered. "Just let us the fuck in already."

She opened it, let us in, and put the six locks back up on the door. Kyle was looking around the house and I didn't know if he was either scared or curious. "Kenny is in the backyard", she told us. "Tell him to get the fuck inside before he freezes to death."

We walked through the house and Kenny's family members and relatives were running around the house causing mayhem. Stuart McCormick was over in the kitchen smoking out of a Crackpipe as some newborn was crawling on the floor next to him. When we got outside to the backyard Kenny was wearing his orange parka with the hoodie down and sitting on a bench alone.

"You're house is fucked up", Kyle said. "There's fucking kids in that house with two drug addict adults."

Kenny laughed pulling out a lighter from his pocket, "Thanks for reminding me, Kyle. I almost forgot."

I walked over to the bench and sat down next to him. He lit up a joint and stared at me with violent eyes. "So why are you here", he asked. "And why the hell is Kyle here?"

"I just tagged along", Kyle answered. "If you want me to go…"

"No, please stay."

I knew what was going on now. I shouldn't have come here to his house. Now he's going to babble about the incident we had and it would turn into a big rage orgy.

"I don't know what you've been though", Kenny lectured. "But I don't give a shit. I know you're here because you want to apologize, but I really don't care. You have a pretty nice life Cartman. When I come home I feel like I'm living under some bomb that's ready to kill everyone in the entire house."

His words hit me hard and I tried to say his name but he cut me off and kept talking, "My basement is a fucking meth lab. We have about six to twelve kids around this house every day. Here I am, telling you these things I've told you before, but it's not going to change shit. You're never going to tell anyone the reasons why you're depressed because you play victim. It's because you're fucking weak. Get the fuck out of my backyard and call me when you're about to kill yourself."

I stood up and walked past Kyle and quickly made my way out of his backyard and house. I got in my car, locked the doors and thought to myself about what he said. I thought about going home, finding a chainsaw and ripping my limbs off. I wanted to die a painful death in which the blood from the carpet would stain and not a thing would be touched in my room, but anytime someone walked around in it they would claim to feel a cold feeling of me inside of it, but it would just be the broken furnace.

Kyle got into the car sobbing with tears and cried to me, "Eric, promise me you'll never kill yourself."

I grabbed a pack of Marlboro's from behind my seat but it was empty.

"I should probably get you home", I said. "It's like, 9:30 and your mom is going to be pissed off at me like usual."

He kept his head down the whole way to his house. Once we got there he hugged me before getting out and said, "If you need to talk, call me."

He closed the car door and I drove from his house. I turned up the volume inside of my car as John Coltrane made me think my speakers were going to explode. Most people don't know that there's a very musical side of me. I don't mean that shitty Christian rock band I started in elementary school. Around middle school I became obsessed with music because it was a way of relaxing. After a while music wasn't enough to keep the triggers from ripping me apart.

I got home and made my way to the kitchen. All the lights in the house were off. Mom left some chocolate cake on the counter. I grabbed a plate, took a slice and started eating it. Once I was done with the piece I made my way to my mom's room, which was closed. She never had the door closed.

"Mom", I yelled. "Why the fuck is the door closed?"

I turned the knob and opened the door, revealing my mother whom was hanging from the ceiling.

* * *

I hope nobody is angry at the twists I made. Feedback is appreciated.


	5. Chapter 5 New Disaster

"Eric", a voice shrieked in my ears. "Wake up! It's Kyle!"

My eyes came back into focus to see Kyle staring at my face. I must have fainted or some shit like that. "Where's my mother", I asked. "Is she…ok?

He pulled me forth into a hug and my head rested on his shoulder to see a group of paramedics come out of my mother's room. I sat up against the wall in the hallway and came to my senses – I would never be able to hear my mother's voice again.

"How did you-", my words mumbled as my mind raced. "She can't be gone."

My throat dried up and tears ran down my face. I gripped onto Kyle's shirt and cleaned my tears off on his shoulder. "You weren't answering my calls", he explained. "So out of being worried, I broke into your house to find you on the floor and your mom…fuck I can't say anymore."

Officer Barbrady came over to me and asked, "Sir, do you have any family relatives you could stay with for a couple nights? We'll need to talk to them also about finding a place for you to live."

"I don't have any", I replied. "My grandparents have all passed away and my uncle is imprisoned for life."

Kyle interrupted the conversation and said, "What about friends? Could he stay over at my house for a couple nights until it's all settled out?"

"I suppose", the officer answered. "We'll need to talk to your parents then. I could give you and your friend a ride to your house."

Kyle stood up and pulled me to my feet also. "Alright", he said. "I think we're ready."

I pulled my knit cap off my head and stuffed it in my right pocket as we made our way out my house into the snow storm. Everything seemed to be happening so fast. If only I could just go back to six or seven hours ago and stop myself from yelling at my mom, maybe I could have stopped her from doing what she did. But now it was too late. I was the bastard child that begged his mother for everything, but in the end I still hated her.

"Wait", I paused before entering the police man's car. "What about my pets?"

Barbrady got into his car and said, "Don't worry about them."

Kyle and I got in the backseat of the car. For a moment I felt like some piece of me had fallen apart, but then I realized that I wasn't feeling anything that all. My emotions were clearly so much in shock that I was numb to any feeling that came in contact with me. Nothing in life seemed as real as now, but it all seemed like it could easily be just as fake. I felt nothing at all and the only thing I wanted was a fucking cigarette.

Once we got to his house the officer got out of the car and told us to wait. "It's not your fault", Kyle whispered. "You have to trust me when I saw that you can get through this. I'm your friend and no matter what you go through, I'll still be there."

I tried to open the car door, but it was locked. It's nice for him to say all of that, but I seriously didn't want to hear his fucking voice.

"Your mother won't take me", I told him. "I already know what you're thinking."

"What?"

"You'll expect me to move in with you now that I have nobody to live with."

"I wasn't thinking that at all", he said slowly. "Would that be a problem?"

I laughed for a couple seconds. A problem? Why the fuck would I want to live in a house full of people I hate? He thinks I would survive a day having to eat what those jews eat? Fuck that. On that fact, I fucking hate his mother. She's a fat fucking bitch that judges me anytime I around her.

"Shouldn't be that big of a problem", I lied. "Can we not talk right now?"

He went silent for the time being as we sat in the car. Eventually the police officer came back to open the doors and let us both out. When I got up to the front door I could feel Sheila Broflovski's eyes stuck on mine as if she thought I was going to light the house down. If I had to live there, I probably would, so I couldn't blame her for that look.

I followed Kyle to his room and once I had got in he tossed himself on his bed. I took off my red jacket and tossed my yellow gloves to the side of his door. He asked if I wanted to talk yet, but I didn't answer, which actually was my answer. I tried to relax myself on the carpet next to his bed and closed my eyes. Sleep was the only answer for the moment.

Another nightmare woke me up in the morning. It seemed like the sun was shining out of the window, but once I stood up I noticed it was just the way the lights in Kyle's room were positioned. He wasn't in the room, so I made my way out and through his house to try and find a bathroom. I found one, knocked on the door, and his younger brother Ike immediately yelled, "Fuck off!"

Kyle was in the kitchen having some quiet conversation with Stan. I walked into the kitchen and opened their fridge looking for something to eat. Nothing looked amusing to me except the carton of chocolate milk, so I took that out and slammed it on the counter. Kyle walked out of the kitchen and Stan came closer to me saying, "Kyle told me what happened."

No shit. There'd be no other reason you'd be here. I flipped through counters trying to find a glass and once I did I filled it up with chocolate milk, downing the glass as fast as I could. "I'm sorry for never being a good friend", he said to me. "I spent too much time with Kyle and ignored you for years. I should have done something and now I feel like it might be too late, but I want to give it another try."

I poured another glass as my hands started to jitter. He stood next to me so he could make sure I was looking at him while he talked and continued, "When we were in elementary school I remember sleeping over at your house. I saw things one night in your room that gave me nightmares for nights and I didn't know if I wanted to tell anyone or not. Fuck, I stopped being around you because I was scared and confused. Now I feel like a fucking idiot. Cartman, I want to be your friend again. If you don't want to be, fine, but just know that there are people here that care about you and we are here for you through this."

"You didn't tell anyone did you", I asked. "Because if you did, I'd rip your face off and chew on it."

"No."

"Promise?"

"Promise."

Seemed like bullshit, but maybe not. Stan has never opened up to me before or gave a rat's ass about me ever until now. Maybe Kyle was telling him to though. Either way, Kenny was never going to give a shit about me. I walked out of the kitchen and went outside to the front yard. Stan followed me and said, "Where you going?"

"Gas station", I replied. "I need some cigarettes."

He pulled out a pack from his pocket, handed me one, lit his own and then handed me the lighter. I looked at him strangely and asked, "Sense when you started smoking?"

"A year ago", he answered. "Stress from school grades and Wendy made me start, but I'm quitting sometime soon."

We sat out by the mailbox by Kyle's house in silence. I wasn't wearing my jacket, but it didn't bother me. The bitter cold weather made me feel alive. "If my mom catches you two smoking", Kyle says behind us. "She'll hang you from the fucking wall."

"Seriously Kyle", I said flicking my cigarette at him. "Fuck you."

I started walking back up to the house and it took him a couple of seconds to notice what he had said. He ran back up to me, grabbed my shoulder, and apologized, "I didn't mean to say that. I'm sorry."

We got back inside and Sheila came to me and wanted to talk one on one, so we walked over to the living room. Standing next to her made me feel uncomfortable.

"I spent all of this morning trying to figure a solution for your situation right now", she announced. "A funeral can be made for next Saturday. Also, if you can go by our guidelines, then we'll let you stay with us for as long as possible."

I dug a hand through my hair and bit down on my lip. She continued, "Those guidelines include that you can't bring any Anti-Semitism under my roof. I don't want you smoking around here either. You'll have to do that outside of the house."

It took me a while to process through my head if this was a good idea, but living with these annoying jews was pretty much my only choice at the moment.

"Sure", I said. "When can I pick up my stuff from my house?"

"You can't go back there", she told me. "Someone will bring your stuff over here."

"And whose room am I sleeping in?"

"You'll have to sleep in Kyle's room for now. We'll try to find a mattress and blankets tonight for you."

"Thanks, Ms. Broflovski."

She walked away from me and I went back to Kyle's room. Stan was on the phone with somebody; my guess is Wendy, while Kyle was pacing in a circle. I walked over to him and asked, "Does Kenny know about this?"

He stopped walking around and looked up at me. "I told him about your mother a couple minutes ago", he answered. "He says he'll be over in a minute."

I sat down on his bed and put one hand against my face, trying to hide it from him as tears filled my eyes. "I want to die, Kahl", I told him. "You would understand, wouldn't you?"

He sat next to me and pulled my hand down. I looked at his face as he gave me this kind of sad smile. He moved his head closer to mine and kissed me on my lips. I looked over to see Stan drop his phone with his mouth wide open.

"Stop it", I said pushing him away from me. "What the hell?"

Stan walked out of the room and I saw that Kyle was starting to cry now. I pushed myself up to him and kissed him back. Now he was looking over to see if Stan was there, which he wasn't. In his response, he pushed me away now and said, "What the fuck was I thinking?"

He rushed out of his room to find Stan and left me sitting on the bed alone. I smiled, laughed to myself for a few seconds, pulled out my razorblade and said, "Guess that was a no."

* * *

Been sick, so it's been harder for me to keep up with writing. Hope you like the new chapter. If not, thanks for reading anyways.


	6. Chapter 6 Pondering A Wall

**Kenny's POV:**

When I got the call from Kyle I knew I had to get over there as soon as possible. I wasn't even aware that it was a Friday and I would end up having to skip school, but this was an emergency. Of course I had to walk in the fucking snow for two miles to get to his house because nobody would give me a ride. The only thing I could think of on my way there was if Cartman would be able to forgive me for the shit I said to him.

I got up to Kenny's house and he was arguing with Stan outside by the door. The closer I got the more I could hear. It was something among the lines of one of them saying, "Go fuck yourself you fucking bastard."

I asked, "What the fuck is going on?"

Stan was pulling on his hair as Kyle explained, "I kissed Cartman and now Stan thinks that I'm fucking him or some stupid shit like that."

"Wait", I interrupt. "You left Cartman in your house by himself when he needs you guys most? What kind of fucking friend are you?"

"You have no fucking right to say that after what you said yesterday."

"Fuck off", I said pushing Kyle out of my way. "I'm going to actually try and help Eric."

They kept arguing as I got inside of the house. I hadn't been to Kyle's house many times and it was usually just for stopping by to pick up answer sheets he did for me once in a while. I found Kyle's room only to find Cartman under Kyle's computer desk. He had fresh cuts running up both of his arms and I could see him crying.

"Kyle told me what happened", I said. "And I want to apologize for what I said yesterday. I'm sorry."

He didn't respond, but just kept pacing back and forth. It was disturbing to see him like this. I sat down next to him and said, "You don't have to tell me anything, but if you want comfort, I can tell you something I haven't told anyone."

This time Cartman looked at me. I wiped back the tears off his face and told him, "When I was seven years old, my Dad came into my room one night with a gun. He put one hand over my mouth and said that if I didn't do what he told me to do, he'd make me watch him kill every member of my family and then kill me. I was scared and didn't really know or understand what the fuck was going on. He took off his belt, then his pants, and slowly pulled down his boxers. It was the first time I saw an adults cock. He instructed me on what to do and I did it without any question. The worst part about it was that anytime my teeth even touched him he would pull me away and start choking me. A couple nights later he came back in my room and decided to do something different. He fucked me, Eric. He never did that ever again, but now every time I look at him every single motherfucking day, I see that face he would make while I was sucking him. I live with the man that fucking raped me. You probably don't understand this much, but if you do, I want you to realize that you're not alone in this. I'm here for you and I know what it's like. But you have to trust me."

Cartman moved closer up to me and rested his head in my lap. The room was completely dark except for this small lamp lying on the floor that I guess he probably knocked over. I run my hand through his soft brown hair and he started to talk.

"My mother was prostituting when I was younger", he says. "I mean, she stopped in seventh grade. Some of the men that she was having fuck her would come in my room and they would rape me. She knew about it too and the men would pay her extra if they could get some time with me. She used to fucking watch as a guy would strip me down and force himself inside me. After they would finish I'd run to the shower and lay down as blood would just circle around the drain. I didn't really know what rape was at that age, but it hurt and I didn't like it. Allot of the men would be aggressive and violent. It all stopped once my mom decided to quit. My mom just expected me to get over it. Kenny, I can't sleep without the thought of someone doing those things to me. I hide behind this stupid fucking illusion that I'm the toughest badass guy in school who can take a fight from anyone, but it's all bullshit. I'm fucking weak. I'm a fucking asshole, horrible friend, I'm the reason my mother killed herself, it doesn't fucking end. I just want to die."

He was bawling his eyes out now. I looked up to notice that Stan and Kyle were listening the whole time. They were standing by the door and looked completely shocked and pale. At this point I didn't care if they heard what I said about me. It was Cartman I cared about. I loved him. What happened that one night wasn't because I was stoned, but I actually felt a connection to him.

Stan sat down next to us and Kyle flicked the lights on before joining us too. I looked at Stan and I knew he was on the edge of tears too.

"I knew about what happened to you", Stan said looking down. "I spent the night at your house once in elementary school and I saw all of it."

Cartman raised his head up, bumped his head on the top of the desk and gave him a long and confused face. Stan continued, "I didn't really know what was going on and I forgot about it for a while, but when I really knew what was going on that night and what it meant, I didn't know what to do. I wanted to come to you and just talk about it, but I didn't want you to be upset at me or whatever because you can get pissed off at anything. Fuck dude. I regret every minute I didn't spend being your friend because now I know I'm a piece of what is causing this shit that you're going through. I've fucked up and I'm sorry, but I want you to know that I'm here for you. It doesn't matter if Wendy calls me or fucking what, friends are more important than sluts."

I looked over to Cartman and he didn't look as depressed, but safe. Now that he was hearing our sides, maybe it would do him some good. Kyle looked at me and I tried to give him the face that says, "Say something", but he didn't. He just sat there in silence with us. Stan secretly started nudging at him to get his attention and he decided to speak too.

"I love you Cartman", he said. "I know you probably don't feel the same, but I do. As much as you might hate my religion and my hair, it doesn't matter to me. I want to keep trying to pull myself closer to you as a friend, but it seems like I keep saying the wrong fucking words. I want to help you, but I don't know how. I wasn't sexually abused as a child or beaten by my parents. I've had a normal family life and my family loves me. It's just; I hate myself because I don't deserve any of this. I'm not even that good of a friend to my best friend, Stan. I hate my family even though they love me so much. Fuck, I hate my body, my face, my fucking hair, and every day I want to just peel it all off and put someone else's skin on. Then it makes me sick that I fucking whine over the smallest things when my life is ponies and rainbows compared to most of you guys. The only thing I really have to worry about is diabetes, but I keep that under control. Cartman, I want to help you, but I don't even know how to help myself. I'm probably saying the wrong words right now again, but whatever. I'm done talking. The end."

Cartman put his head back down in my lap and went silent. Kyle looked pale as a sheet of paper. I looked over to Stan and he seemed to be paying more attention on Eric then his other friend for once. At that moment, I didn't know if we had just brought our friendships closer or if we would delude ourselves from each other after opening up.

* * *

I know, it's a shorter chapter, but I felt it was a necessary one. Don't expect all the conflict to be gone just because they talked it out though.


	7. Chapter 7 The Line Begins To Blur

**Cartman's POV:**

Kenny and Stan left the house after Ms. Broflovski made some disgusting dinner. Stan's parents were pissed off at him for skipping school and Kenny said he had to visit his older brother. They left me here in a house full of jews unprotected. Things couldn't get much worse.

I was in the kitchen digging through a box of chocolate chip cookies with Ike's name written on it when Gerald Broflovski, Kyle's dad, came up to me saying that a couple police officers were at the door and wanted to talk to me. I was also told I couldn't eat Ike's cookies.

There were three boxes next to the door where the officers were standing. "We were able to collect all your items out of your room", they said. "And we were hoping we could ask you a few questions."

"Sure", I answered back to them. "Thanks for bringing my shit over."

Gerald looked startled by me saying 'shit', which cheered me up a little. We walked over to the kitchen table and sat down. One of the officers said, "We know it's been a very long day for you today and things have been hard, so we wanted to know if you would be interested in having a Therapist."

"No thanks."

"It would be free. The therapist we could put you with is very good at what she does and works with Teenagers like you who have gone through troubles."

"I'll think about it."

Ms. Broflovski brought over some tea for all of us and sat down. The other officer asked, "Do you have any ideas on why your mother would want to do what she did?"

"Other than the fact that she used to be a prostitute and had to deal with her fatass son on a daily basis", I rambled. "Not really."

This shocked everyone at the table. I don't think anyone knew about what my mother was doing.

I explained, "She quit a while ago though. She started going to some twelve step meetings because she was trying to get clean from alcohol and drugs. You wouldn't expect any of this from her because she kind of hides behind a mask. My mom likes to pretend to be this nice, happy, and giving person. The truth is she was a depressed and hated hiding behind the illusion she was doing good."

Sheila tried to hug me, but I pushed her away from me. "Please", I said. "Not right now."

I stepped out of my chair, walked out of the room, and went to go pick up the boxes, but they weren't there. Kyle was holding one of the boxes while walking down the hallway and I followed him to his room.

"Hey Cartman", he said. "I thought I could help you out by carrying these boxes. Maybe that can be a start for me to help you out."

"Thanks I guess."

He sat down on the floor next to the three boxes as I sat down on the bed, pulled one up to me and opened it. The swastika t-shirt was on the top of the box and Kyle looked over and said, "I think you should just get rid of that shirt while you're here."

"No", I said. "My mother gave it to me last year as a birthday present."

I stacked all the clothes up in a pile on the floor. That was the first box. The second one had my films, books, childhood toys, and a second pair of both my favorite cap and jacket. The third box had a collection of things that I kept under my bed.

I pulled out the necklace of an old War World II Iron Cross necklace. My mother said that her grandfather gave it to her, but she never wore it, so she gave it to me. I put it on and let it dangle down as I grabbed another item. This one was my stuffed animal frog that I got for Christmas when I was pretty young. I don't remember who got it for me, but I slept with it almost every night up until sixth grade. My laptop was in there too, which I decided to put on Kyle's computer desk. Then there was the collection of about twenty notebooks that I spent filling out at night. All of them had a collection of my daily ramblings, drawings, and shitty poetry.

"We'll have to share my closet", Kyle said. "You can use the left side sense you're left handed."

He picked up my shirts, sat them on the bed and brought out a bunch of clothing hangers from the closet. I unfolded all of the boxes and shoved them underneath Kyle's bed while he wasn't watching. "Where do you want me to put my books and movies", I asked. "I could just set them on that empty book shelf of yours."

"Sure", he said putting my clothes away. "And you can put the rest of your shi-I mean stuff over there too."

I grabbed a hand of books and sat them on the bookshelf, then doing the same with the rest of my stuff. Once I was done, I sat on Kyle's bed and rubbed at my necklace.

"What did you mean", I asked slowly. "When you said that you loved me?"

He finished the last of my clothes and sat on the bed next to me. He said, "I mean that I have emotional feelings for you that go beyond what friendship is."

"Kyle, you don't even know who the fuck I am."

"I know about your childhood and that doesn't make me love you any less."

"No Kahl", I fought back. "All because you know one secret of mine doesn't mean you know every little thing about me."

I walked away from him and was about to leave his room when he said, "Then tell me. I won't judge you."

For a second I wanted to tell him everything else about me, but trusting him is something that could easily fuck me over like every other thing that has happened to me in life. "Tell me", I replied. "Have you ever had to wash blood off your hands, but when you wake up every night it's still there?"

He stood up and walked closer to me. It seemed like he was confused by what I said – like I was speaking in some obscure foreign language. Finally, he asked, "What Do you mean, Cartman?"

My arms were shaking and my muscles tensed up. Both of my legs felt like they were frozen and I couldn't do anything with them but them wobble. I fell to the floor without any pain, even though I had practically slammed my head to the ground. It wouldn't leave my mind. He wouldn't leave my mind.

"Are you ok", he said trying to pull me up. "What the fuck is going on?"

Everything was fuzzy and the walls seemed to becoming darker shades of grey. Kyle's face was slowly fading out into the wall as I could feel my eyes grow heavier. I couldn't hold on much longer and eventually I started giving into the darkness.

"Kahl", I whispered. "I've killed someone."

And then the blackness concealed every piece of light left. I needed to go back - Deeper into my memories. Deeper then where those men have taken me from under my bed sheets. Deeper than my mother hanging from the ceiling. I needed to revisit that night with Scott Tenorman when I killed him.

* * *

Shorter chapter, I know. I'm still pretty sick, but don't worry, I'm still planning on working on this. Next chapter will be pretty long, hoping to finish it in about three days, but it's going to be a full flashback chapter.


	8. Chapter 8 Cruel Bloom

I'm going to warn you and say this chapter may be disturbing to some people, so I'm sorry if you end up getting sickened or offended.

* * *

+++One Year Ago+++

I stopped my car in the parking lot next to the basketball court I used to go to as a kid. Butters was in the passenger seat ready to shit his pants. "Oh buttercups", he said. "Are you sure you want to do this?"

"Yes", I replied. "Call him, and then tell him that you're here and ready."

He agreed and got on his phone to call Scott Tenorman, my mortal enemy. My hatred for him began when I was a child, but it escalated. He moved in with a family of pedophiles and rapists that lived a couple houses down from Kenny. My mother had spent many nights at that house making cash from men there. I was in sixth grade when one night I found pictures under my pillow of him with my mom on her knees sucking him off. My mom didn't notice she was blowing someone related to her and he was my mortal enemy. The fucker was in for trouble.

Things only got worse. He came over to my house many nights and found out every little detail about my mother and I. She told him about what had happened to me. He came in my room one night after fucking her and told me that he knew all about what happened to me. He intended to use it as blackmail – if I tried to stop him from fucking my mom or if I told anyone he would tell everyone in South Park what happened to me. He would also show every little video and picture of what they were doing to everyone. I was pretty good at blackmailing, but he was the God of it. He was everything I was without emotion. Scott was the fucking devil. Eventually, he stopped fucking her, but the promise was if I kept my mouth shut we would keep his shut also.

So here I am with Butters in the car setting up my plan for revenge. Butters hit a downward spiral at the beginning of high school. He was sick of his parents grounding him and beating the shit out of him all the time, so one night he decided to stick a piece of dynamite in his parents bed. They didn't get hurt, but it sure set off a scare. A rumor around the school went around that he was a prostitute. The worst part is that he was. The innocent little boy turned into a psychotic suicide bomb. He was as fucked up as I was, but he still kept that innocent side to hide all of his problems. Butters was more like me then I could ever imagine.

"He's on his way", he said hanging up the phone. "This isn't a good idea, Cartman."

I lit a cigarette and said, "Once this is all done, you're going to pretend like nothing happens. If you tell a single soul, I'll snap your fucking neck and shove your head up your own ass."

Now Scott wasn't just into slutty mothers, but he also had a thing for young blondes. That's where the idea came in hand. I was able to get Scott's number out of a phonebook and I went to Butters with five hundred dollars telling him to help me. Because Butters was in the business of getting fucked by old rednecks and Scott was into young blondes, I got Butters to call him and say he was interested in having some 'fun'. Here we are with my half-brother thinking he's going to get a good fuck, but the truth is that he's about to get fucked.

A person was walking towards us. "I don't know 'bout this Eric", Butters whined. "I don't want you or anyone to get hurt."

"I know", I argued. "Once I get out of the car, don't leave. Just stay in here and be still."

The figure was coming closer and I could see the monsters face. He stopped next to the basketball hoop and looked like he was about to dial a number. Now was my time. I opened the car door, stepped out, and slammed it shut. He hadn't noticed me yet, so I pulled my gun out of my pants and pointed it to where I could scatter his brains on the ground.

He looked up and I said loud enough for him to hear, "Don't you fucking move you mother fucker."

"Nice way to put those words together", he replied, not bothered at all. "I did fuck your mother. I mean, our mother."

"Shut the fuck up!"

"Calm down, fatass."

I shot a bullet, missed, and he went running to the trees in the nearby woods. This wasn't going to end well. I sprinted my way into the woods and almost tripped over a fucking rock, but it didn't stop me. I wanted him dead.

"You can't fucking hide forever", I screamed. "You think that I'm fucking playing around?"

Branches twitched to the right. I pulled my gun towards the darkness and fired another bullet. Then I just stood in silence waiting for another noise.

Then there was this piercing pain to my right shoulder that pushed me to the snow. It took me a second to realize that I had just been fucking stabbed.

"You want to fuck with me", he yelled. "I'll fucking split your throat open you fat fuck."

I rolled over and aimed my gun to him, but he dropped he grabbed my arms while his blade was still jabbed in me, and I shot the remaining bullets out. I head-butted him and he fell back. He tried to grab me but I took the switchblade out and pulled it at him. He jumped on me and the blade landed right through into his stomach. He coughed blood onto my face and said, "You fucking bastard."

He pulled the blade out of his side and raised it above his head. I tried to keep him from shoving the blade into my face, but the ginger was stronger than I was. He let go of the blade and it dropped down onto my face, rolling down into the snow. He kicked back from me and sat down in the wet snow with both of his hands putting pressure to where he was stabbed. I whipped the blood off my face with one of my mittens and pulled my belt off.

"You won't kill me", he said with a smile. "I have authority over you."

I didn't reply, but just kept walking closer to him. "Cartman", he cried, coughing more blood. "I'm sorry for everything. I dropped the blade because I didn't want to hurt you. Let's just stop this and pretend it never happened."

"Just like I should pretend like you fucking my mom never happened?"

That left him silent. I stood up and kept grip on my belt. For once in a long time I was looking down on him. He would have to beg, but not even that would let him escape from me. He mumbled words trying to think of something to say, but he couldn't. I came closer to him and got down to my knees. Blood was pouring out of his side and his hands weren't able to control the bleeding now.

"Please", he said snorting back snot. "Just help me out of here and I'll never even look or speak to you ever again. You don't have to do this."

"Famous last words?"

"FUCKING STOP IT! Cartman, you have to think of what could happen if they find out what you've done to me. You'll spend your life in prison."

"No, I'd probably get out when I'm eighteen or less if I showed them the pictures you gave me."

"This is fucking crazy."

"Correction: We're fucking crazy. You're the sick fuck and I'm the one thirsty for revenge."

He tried to keep scooting away from me but I only came closer to him. I put the belt over his neck and tightened it up around him as he tried to scream, "I'm sorry!"

His face was turning purple and blood drooled down his mouth. I pulled harder and tried to fight back my own tears. Finally, I let go and let his body drop down into the snow. He was dead.

He was fucking dead and I had killed him.

I stood up and pulled out my phone. The only person I could think have who could possibly help me in this situation was Kenny. He was my best friend and I'm sure sense he lives a crack house that he would be able to give some advice. I dialed his number and on the third ring he answered, "Eric?"

"I got into a mess", I told him. "I need your help."

"What type of mess?"

"Fuck, Kenny. I killed him. I fucking put my belt around his neck until he couldn't breathe."

"Wow…wow…wait. Just slow down and tell me everything from the start."

And I told him about 'the mess', except I didn't explain what lead me to truly kill Scott Tenorman. He asked where I was and I told him the exact location.

"I'm going to talk to my Dad about this", he said. "I'm sure he can help dispose of the body and shit. Just stay where you are and wait for him. Don't move. He'll find you."

"Kenny, thank you."

I heard him sigh into the phone and say, "Sometimes I regret ever becoming friends with you."

Then he hung up.

Blood was still running from my stab wound, but it wasn't that bad. Scott's eyes stared upwards to the sky and his body was still resting motionless. I walked over to him and sat down in the snow staring at him. There was that sense of remorse, but there was also that feeling of being relieved. Did I really enjoy it or was it making me sick?

I sat there for about ten minutes until my phone started ringing. It was Butters. I yelled into the phone, "The fuck you want?"

"Kenny's Dad just went through the woods", he said. "What the hell just happened? I heard gunshots and…oh hamburgers. If anyone got hurt…"

"Just stay where you are and keep your mouth shut."

I hung up on him and kept waiting. It took his dad long enough until I could see the light from a flashlight shining in my eyes. "You're Cartman, right", he asked. "And this is the…body?"

"Yeah, yeah", I mumbled and got up. "So, uhm, what do you we do?"

"Well, we're going to have to drag him up to my truck, throw him in, and take him back to my place."

"Then what?"

"I'll take care of the rest, kid."

I knew what Kenny's father meant, but I was asking anyways. It was sick, but there was no other way to get rid of this shit. I grabbed the gun out of the snow and put it back in my pants. He took the hands and I took the legs. He led the way and I followed. Once we got past the trees and back to the basketball court Butters sprinted out of the car and stopped halfway when he saw us carrying Scott's corpse. He fell down to his knees and said, "Eric, he's going to be alright, isn't he?"

We kept moving and stuffed him in the back of the truck. "Meet me up at my house", Kenny's father said. "Then we'll settle the rest of this."

I ran over to Butters and he was sobbing in tears. He looked into my eyes and I pulled him up saying, "Come on. It's almost over."

We walked over to my car as Kenny's father drove off. Butters got back inside and I took my jacket, mittens, and cap off. Then I took off my shirt and rolled all of this together. "Butters", I yelled. "Get me that paper bag in the back of the car!"

He did as he was told, rolled down the front window and handed it to me. I shoved the clothes in and tied the bag in multiple knots. My body was shivering and my teeth were chattering. I got in the car and started driving.

"We're going to jail", Butters whimpered. "I never wanted anyone to get hurt and I told you that. Now we all have blood on our hands. You getting Kenny to help you is going to get blood on him too. What if you ruin your friendship with him?"

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!"

The car was silent all the way back to Kenny's house. Kenny was smoking a cigarette and I knew that he wasn't happy with me. I got up to him and said, "I'm sorry for all of this."

"Don't talk to me", he interrupted. "For now and a couple days. I need some time to tell myself that you're not some insane rampaging fucker."

"Kenny I can-"

"No more. Please, just leave me the fuck alone. My dad was just carrying a dead guy to the fucking basement. He's doing this because he thinks you're not a bad kid. Maybe what you did was a mistake or an accident, but it's a big fuck up. You don't need to fucking kill someone to solve problems."

I walked back from him and went back into my car. Butters got in too and I drove him home. He kept his promise and said he wouldn't tell a single soul. For all I know he was probably scared that I would kill him too. Now I couldn't even trust myself. What if I did hurt someone else? What if I took another life?

When I got up to my house I spent about half an hour in my car finishing the rest of my cigarettes before going in. I was still shirtless and bleeding, but none of this seemed to bother me. Finally, I grabbed the plastic bag out of the car, went into my house and immediately ran up the stairs into my room. My mother didn't seem to be home, so I thought I'd be able to just clean up before she finds out anything. First, I tore a hole in the bag that I laid on my bed. Then I took my gun out and dropped it onto the floor. Next I stripped myself, tossed my jeans, boxers, socks, and shoes into the plastic bag. I went into the bathroom connected to my room and turned the shower on.

The mirror stared at me again. It showed me the scars that I had done and now the scar that Scott had given me. Of course, it would heal one day, but the nightmares of him to come wouldn't. He was still very much alive, but this time inside my head. He wasn't going to leave without causing me damage – that's for sure.

I stepped into the shower, lay down, and let the water rain down my body. It sickened me to look at my disgusting stomach, so I just closed my eyes. The water sounded like rain and I pictured myself running through the streets in the rain. Maybe one day I could run through the rain in happiness. Maybe one day I could grow back an interest in music. Maybe one day Kenny would finally love me. Then I come to reality and open my eyes to the fact that happiness is the biggest delusion I've ever known in my life. Every smile, handshake, laugh, and hug was a lie.

The blood finally stopped running and I got out of the shower. I wrapped a towel around my waist and grabbed some bandages from a cabinet above the toilet and spent the next couple minutes wrapping my wound up with it. I kept it below my shirt so nobody would notice, but it would be hard not showing the signs of the physical pain from moving my arm too much.

When I got out of the bathroom I pulled out another set of my typical clothing – The red jacket, blue knit cap, and my yellow mittens. I grab a lighter out one of my dressers that was filled with a collection of other lighters, took the bag, ran downstairs and took it out to the garage to grab a decent size bucket and a small container of lighter fluid. Next I ran to the backyard, tossed the bag into the bucket, poured the lighter fluid in it, and lit the fucker. I watched it burn and stared into the fire for about half an hour not thinking about anything particularly, but just embracing the presence of the flames.

Once it was done I went in the house, filled up a bowl with water, went back outside and took the fire out. The clothes were completely ash and that was it for that side of the evidence. Kenny's dad was going to take care of Scott's body and everything would be ok.

What a fucking joke.

I dumped the ashes of my burnt clothes over my fence and went back upstairs. My mother was sitting on my bed in my room holding my gun in her hands. How was I that fucking stupid to leave the gun there?

"Eric pootykins", she said. "Why did you take my gun out of my room?"

"Mother, I want to explain, but you wouldn't understand. You have to trust me."

"I saw what you were doing in the backyard."

"Please mom. Just trust me on this one. The police may come to us in a few days and you have to pretend like you know nothing about what they talk about."

She stood up and walked over to my door saying, "I love you, so of course I trust you. It's just, I'm worried about you."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean…Goodnight sweetie."

She walked out of my room. And she did play along with what I said. The cops would eventually come to our house and ask questions, but mouths stayed shut and secrets were kept. I'm sure my mother connected the dots and knew what I did, but she was too scared to bring it up. I don't blame her though. I'm scared of me too. I've done things that I can't erase and will live with me forever. I've been raped and abused for years of my childhood and I'll have to face the shame every single fucking day. After that day, life went from horrible to a never ending shitstorm.

+++Present Day+++

I woke up on the floor and Kyle was staring directly into my eyes. "Oh thank Moses", he said. "You were out for a couple minutes."

A couple minutes? Felt like a fucking year. I rubbed my head and said, "What time is it?"

"About nine at night. Eric, before you passed out you said you...Uhm, killed someone?"

Oh fuck. I fucking said that shit?

"I was just fucking with you, Jew", I replied. "Kahl, I love you too. It's just that I've been going through too much shit to actually open up with my emotions right now. But right now, I think I want to take a chance."

This was me bullshitting the biggest bullshit in all of bullshit land. I was saying this because I knew it's what he wanted to hear and if I gave that to him; maybe he would shut up about what I said and try to stay out of my business. Kyle loved me, but I loved Kenny.

He pressed his lips to mine once again and I brought my hands to his thighs. He responded by doing the same and I let him slide my shirt up, regardless of the fact he would he my scars. "Cartman", he said. "Are you…ok with this?"

I gulped and lied, "Yes. I want you more than anything right now."

Kyle pulled my shirt off and I pulled off his. His hands rubbed my fat belly and it made me uncomfortable. I didn't like that feeling that another man was touching me like this really. He tore my pants off and smirked at my boxers that had swastikas on them. I said, "Hey, you need to get naked before you do anything to me."

We were still on the carpet, so I got on the bed and watched him slowly strip. Something wasn't right about this – I was afraid to get triggered if we did have sex, but for some reason I started to get attracted to him.

Now that he was naked, he got on the bed next to me and slid my boxers off. "Damn", he said. "I thought you would be at least the normal size, but not that small."

"Fuck you", I said as he giggled. "At least I don't have a jew cock."

He went down on me and I thought about Kenny. He was better at this and even though I was strangely attracted to Kyle at the moment, Kenny would always be my favorite.

"Ah fuck kahl", I moaned. "Stop. I'm about to-"

The slutty jew took the load and got back up. He flipped over and laid his face on his pillow saying, "Please, give it to me."

I was nervous and felt scared. My thoughts were running wild again, but I knew I had to. It would be the only way for him to think I care about him. I needed him off my case. So I climbed on him and put myself in. He made those noises and said my name softly as I fucked him. I was getting sick to this; Him saying my name and making those noises – all I could think of was me as a kid and me crying as someone said my name while penetrating me. This wasn't working. I pulled out and got out of the bed.

"What's wrong", he asked. "I didn't do anything wrong did I?

"It's not you. You wouldn't understand. I'm going to get some rest."

I put my clothes back on and layed on the carpet next to his bed. Kyle looked down at me from his bed and said, "I'm sorry."

Sleep was the only answer now, even though I didn't want to. I'd have to face the nightmares again, but maybe I deserve them after what I've done in life. I never fought back against the people that hurt me and I did take someone's life. I deserve to roast in hell.


	9. Chapter 9 Dead Eyes

Waking up on the floor in Kyle's room is something that is going to take a while to get used to. Apparently Ms. Broflovski was going to drop off some pillows, blankets, or some other shit, but she never did. Kyle wasn't in the room, so I guessed he was at school. I went over to the closet to find some clothes to put on and I grabbed my typical red coat, yellow mittens, and knit cap. I didn't know where he stuffed my jeans, so I decided I'd just wear the same ones I was wearing.

I got in the bathroom, tossed the clothes down next to the shower and took off my clothes. The mirror stared at me and I tried to avoid it, but there was no use. It consumed me in shame. Have I actually done anything positive in my life? Seems like the only thing I've actually done in life is get fucked, eat, and whine like a fucking baby. I stepped in the shower and spent a minute trying to figure out how to work the god damn shower. The water was warm and I embraced it. I didn't want to get out of the shower because that meant I would have to go back and face the cold death weather. I'm truly sick of these snow storms that seem to be the center of all bleakness.

But eventually I did get out of the shower. I dried off with one of the towels under the sink and put all my clothes on while trying to avoid the mirror. Once I got everything on, I went into the kitchen in search of food. There was nothing interesting in the fridge or freezer. While I was in the pantry searching for food Sheila Broflovski came up to me and said, "Its Friday. Kyle went to school and we didn't wake you up because we knew you probably needed some time before going back."

It was strange so see that big fat bitch actually care about how I feel. "Thanks", is all I could say back to her.

"I'm guessing you can't find any food. Is there any place you have in mind you want to stop by to get food? I could also pick up some stuff from the grocery store."

"City Wok would be nice."

"Alright. We can go over there. I'm making a list of groceries. Anything in particular you want?"

I turned around to actually look at her and answered, "I'm craving rainbow flavored ice cream right now. And cigarettes."

"I can get you some of that Ice Cream later tonight, but I won't buy a sixteen year old a pack of cigarettes."

That was kind of obvious. Eventually I would need to visit Kenny to pick up a pack or two. I followed Sheila out to the car in the garage and got in the passenger seat. She had this golden Star of David thing hanging from her rearview mirror. I wondered how she would react if she saw the necklace that I have hanging from my neck. The ride to City Wok was silent. When we got there she asked, "What do you want?"

"Double sized spicy yakitori with an extra-large coca cola."

She got out of the car and headed in. I sat in boredom waiting for the food until I could hear some type of ticking noise from the back of the car. Five minutes had passed and the fucking thing, whatever it was, was still ticking. I unbuckled my seatbelt, and pulled myself over to see what it was.

It was Scott Tenorman laid out on the backseats bleeding all over the seats. I pulled myself back and tried to focus the image out of my head while I could hear him screaming, "You fucking killed me you fucking bastard! You deserved to be raped. You deserve it all over again you fucking monster!"

"Shut the fuck up", I yelled with my hands over my eyes. The tears wouldn't stop and I as much as I knew this was just another one of my hallucinations, I knew he was right.

The car door opened and Sheila put the bag of food in the back where Scott's body was. "Eric", she mumbled. "Is something wrong?"

I said softly, "I'm fine."

When we got back to the house I took my food into Kyle's room for privacy. I didn't really like being looked at when I would pig out. Especially if it's by someone even fatter than me. I jumped on the bed, opened the box of food slowly, and sat my soda on the nightstand.

"How did it feel", Scott said opening the bedroom door. "To have your mother watch men pound your ass until it started bleeding?"

"Fuck off."

I took the plastic fork and took a bite of my food. The hallucinations started about a week after I had killed him. He was fucking everywhere and wanted control over my brain. "Look at you fucking eat", he laughed. "You fat fucking faggot."

He was making me lose my appetite, even over how hungry I was. So instead I decided to just seal the box back up and toss at it at Scott. Of course it just went through him and slammed against the wall. I grabbed my cup of soda, pulled the lid off, and started downing it down my throat. It was halfway gone when I stopped. Scott came up to me as I stood up off the bed.

"Where do you think you're going", he asked. "How about you go into the bathroom and split your throat open?"

I ignored him and walked out of the room, down the hallway, and out of the house. Sheila was probably going to give me hell when I get back, but I couldn't sit in that fucking house with him around. My teeth chattered as I walked down the sidewalk in the snow.

When I got down the block a car pulled up to me. It was Kenny's father. He rolled down the window and said, "You need a ride?"

"Actually, I was heading to your house. Hoping that Kenny was skipping school today so I could chill with him."

"Well, you're in luck. Get in."

I watched my step on the ground and made sure I didn't slip on my ass while walking to the car. I got in and there were two kids in the backseat. They seemed around six or seven years old and were both girls. I asked, "Who are they?"

"Fuckin' sister's kids", he said pulling out a cigarette. I bummed one off him and lit my cancer stick with a lighter he gave me. For some reason I thought of what the jew said about cancer. Not that I was considering to quit smoking, but just because death seemed real nice right now. When we got up to the house the two girls immediately got out of the car. I was about to open the car door, but Stuart McCormick stopped me and said, "I heard about your mother and I'd like to say that I'm sorry for your loss. She was a good woman."

I got out of the car and didn't look back at him. I didn't give a rat's ass if he said my mom was good or if he fucking cured cancer. He raped my best friend and his own son. There was no way I was giving him any fucking respect. I rushed up to Kenny's room as quick as I could and tried to avoid the rest of his family from bothering me.

He was flat out lying on the floor hugging his bong. "Uh, hey Kenny", I said. "I'm not interrupting you am I?"

"Nah, man", he replied blowing smoke out. "You doing ok?"

I sat next to him and pulled the bong from his hands and took a hit. This is what I needed more than anything right now – pot and Kenny. He leaned up against his bed and pulled a bottle of whiskey from under his bed. I answered, "No. He won't get out of my head, Kyle loves me, and I'm confused about something."

"Which is?"

"If what happened to me is really rape if I like men."

He moved closer to me and took a shot of the whiskey. Then he ran his head through his hair and said, "You had no control over them. Plus, I'm sure you didn't know what you're sexuality was until after it ended. I know where you're going with this and I've been there before. It's not your fault."

Then I just had to push it and say, "And Scott wasn't?"

"Cartman", he groaned. "You know I don't like talking about him with you, but I'll say this because I'm your friend; I'm sure you had your reasons for what you did to him and there were probably not many choices for you. I know you want to seem like some tough fucker, but I can see that you're a caring person deep inside. I still can't picture you being a mass murderer, so the fact that you're actually remembering it on a daily basis means you do have emotion and feelings. Kyle called me during lunch at school and said that you should really take that offer on getting a therapist."

"Kenny, don't."

"I'm just saying that it's not a bad idea."

"I've got to go", I told him. "Maybe I'll visit tomorrow."

It was an asshole move for me to just leave his house without even saying thanks for the advice or even goodbye. But then again, that's exactly who I am. I'm an asshole and it's not like I've ever changed.

Halfway back to Kyle's house I decided that tonight would be the night. Scott was right. I needed to just end it all already. I told myself that this would be the last walk in the snow for me. There would be no suicide note, just a boy in a puddle of his own blood in one of his friend's bathrooms.

I reached the house, opened the door and sped to the restroom. Kyle had this new set of razors just sitting out in one his cabinets that he used for shaving. I took the package apart and took one of them out.

"Finally", Scott's voice whispered into my ears. "There's no turning back now."

My left hand dragged the blade down my right arm and I cancelled the pain from my mind. The crimson blood was pouring out and its color was so rich that I wanted to just see more. And more I saw. I fell to my knees, looked up towards a leak in the ceiling and said, "I'm sorry."


	10. Chapter 10 Doors Closing Slowly

**Stan's POV:**

I rolled over to the other side of my bed and Wendy breathed out heavily saying, "Holy shit. We need to do this more often."

She traced a circle around my back as I lit a cigarette. I didn't respond to her because there was nothing to say. It's not like I really like her or even have that many emotions for her anymore after she had cheated on me. "Stan", she groaned. "Do you really need to do that every second of the day?"

"Yeah, I actually do."

"I'm not going to kiss you with your breath smelling like that shit."

"You know what? Bill Hicks once said 'I smoke. If this bothers anyone, I suggest you look around at the world in which we live and shut your fucking mouth."

Her reaction was pretty obvious. She pulled my shoulder so I could face her and asked, "The hell does that mean?"

"It means", I retorted. "That you need to shut your fucking mouth."

She slammed her hand against my face and I had every attention of just hitting her back, but I wasn't a violent man. Although, I do play football and gave a kid a broken arm once. I got out of my bed, pulled my boxers up, and then went to the restroom. My phone was ringing and I sat on the toilet to answer it.

I answered to the phone, "I'm about to take a gigantic dump, so please call me later."

"WAIT STAN! It's important."

It was Kyle. Must have been somewhat important if he was going to interrupt me at a time like this. I took a drag off my cigarette and said, "What's going on?"

"Cartman is in the hospital. He tried to kill himself."

"Fucking what?"

I pulled up the toilet lid, tossed the fag in, and flushed. "He's at Hells Pass hospital right? I can be there in fifteen minutes."

"He's not awake yet", he stuttered. "He lost allot of blood and my parents are recommending him to go into impatient treatment at a mental health facility when he wakes up."

"You've got to be fucking kidding me."

"I wouldn't be kidding with this shit. Just get over here."

I hung up the phone, rushed out of the bathroom, and grabbed my pants. Wendy got up and asked, "Is something wrong?"

"Yeah. I can't talk about it with you, but it's important. My dad can give you a ride home I'm sure."

"Wait. I'm your girlfriend. We don't keep secrets."

"Listen to me", I grunted out of anger. "This is personal. I need you to shut the fuck up. Kay'?"

She was shocked and silent. I tossed on a baseball shirt, then my brown jacket, and ran down the stairs. The car keys were still in my pocket luckily. There was times that she would take them from me so anytime I was about to leave I would have to come back to her for sex in order to get them back. And that was just for school in the mornings.

I rushed out to the garage and tried to make sure my dumbass sister or aggravating parents wouldn't ask me questions. When I got in my car my mom opened the door and started screaming some nonsense. I didn't know what she was saying, but I'm sure it went something along the lines of "Where the fuck are you going".

The traffic couldn't be any slower than it was today. It's fucking night time and traffic is going on? And in a place like South Park where you can go ten minutes without seeing a car? Eventually, I did get to Hell's Pass hospital. Then there was this bitchy nurse that I went up to and I asked, "I'm looking for my friend Eric Cartman. He was admitted here not too long ago."

"I'm busy, hun", she said ignoring me. I laughed to myself for a second and then yelled, "You're not fucking busy! You better fucking help me right now before I smash you're fucking head into the wall!"

I got her attention at that point. She took a few seconds to look his name up and told me his room. It was a couple floors up. Of course the fucking elevators were down so I had to walk up there and I ended up getting lost not knowing where the fuck to go. I stopped near a bathroom and decided to just take a break.

This morning at lunch I remember talking to Kyle. He wasn't eating at all and when I asked him what was wrong, he said that Eric said something to him that scared him. In his words, "Eric whispered to me that he killed someone."

Of course I brushed the thought off and Kyle didn't seem convinced of it, but I didn't feel surprised or in disbelief at all. Hell, he's been through so much that I'd probably kill someone to. The question is who? And why?

My first guess is one of the men who must have raped him. That and maybe someone who could have been hurting his mother at the time. I don't know though. The more I wondered about it the more I wanted to know. Maybe Kenny would know something? But I doubt he'd tell me. Fuck. All I want to do right now is find every man that ever hurt him and kill them all. These were people in South Park – where I fucking live – that were hurting him at some point. It could be the random guy at the grocery store or some crack head that I see pass by me on the way to school. It could be anybody.

All I could do was close my eyes and scream fuck as loud as I could and for as long as I could.

That's when someone came out of one of the stalls. It was Kyle and he blushed immediately when he saw me. "Uhm…hey", he mumbled. "You want to visit Cartman?"

"No. I just came here to stop by and check out some of the nurses. Yes, I want to see him."

He knew I was joking around with him, but it probably wasn't the right time for it. Hell, it wasn't the right time for me to be joking about anything period. We went out of the rest room and he showed me the door where he was, which I had passed by already. I opened the door to see Cartman lying down on a hospital bed and a Nurse standing over him.

"I have to stay in here", she said. "Sense he's on suicide watch right now I have to make sure he doesn't do anything. You can talk to him though."

The nurse pulled up a chair to him and let me sit down. Kyle stood up and he seemed pretty nervous. Cartman's face was almost pale and he looked like a zombie. My guess is that they had put him on several medications and other shit. There were stitches down his right arm and wires everywhere. It was sick to see him there, but I guess now I know how my parents felt when I was in that same position.

I turned my head up towards my friend and said, "Hey Kyle, you know if I could talk to him one on one?"

"Sure."

He went out of the room slowly and I didn't start talking until he had left the room. He turned his head to me and tears were running down his cheeks. "Stan", he uttered. "I'm sorry. I know you don't get it, but this is my only way out."

"No it's not", I replied back to him. "I've been where you are right now. You remember when the rumors that I was dead went around last year for a month? Well, they were on the right page. I tried to kill myself, Eric. I chugged down bottles of Tylenol and my parent's heavy alcohol. When I woke up there were doctors forcing me to drink Chalk. I was vomiting all over the place and I remember feeling like my stomach was going to explode. My parents had me go do impatient at a hospital for two weeks. It helped me out and maybe it could do something for you. I mean, of course there are ups and downs in life, but they can help."

"Nobody can help me. I'm already dead."

"You sure about that? I'm looking at you right now and you seem very much alive to me. Hell, the fact that you can feel emotion makes you more alive than almost every person at our school. "

"Why would you want to kill yourself in the first place? You got one of the hottest girls in school, you're one of the best football players in our school, you have a family, and everyone thinks you're a God."

I looked over to the Nurse, not knowing if I wanted to really say it front of her. He was still crying and I explained, "I've been confused about who I am for a long time. Last year on my birthday Kyle had kissed me. It was something I didn't know if I liked or not. He told me how he felt for me and I didn't know what to do. A couple days later he came over to my house and I was having sex with him. My parents came in the room while we were both naked on my bed fucking. They didn't tell Kyle's parents, but mine hated me after that. They wouldn't speak a single word to me. My mom forced me to see Father Maxi at the church almost every day. I got so sick of all of it that I decided to just try and kill myself. I failed of course."

He seemed surprised. I don't know if it was because I was actually doing that with Kyle or because I actually wanted to die.

"What happened next?"

"Well, my parents tossed me into the loony bin. At first it was bed, but once I started talking about my shit, things got better. I apologized to my parents and they did the same. They would have to deal with the fact that I was bisexual. Of course, Wendy was still always there in front of me. She is the problem I haven't gotten the chance to stop yet, but life is better than it used to be thanks to that crazy fucking place I went to."

He laughed for a couple seconds. It disturbed me to see him just laughing in this situation he was in. I think he was right. He was farther down the spiral then anyone I had ever seen. He bit down on his lip and said, "Tell the nurse to give me back my necklace or I'll rip these stitches out."

I looked over to her and she pulled it out of one her pockets. She walked over to him, put it in his hand and said, "You can have it for now, but you're not allowed to take it with you when you leave to the psychiatric unit."

He gripped onto the Iron Cross necklace and put it against his heart. I know he used to wear it allot in middle school and he told me about the significance of it to me a long time ago. "I'll keep it safe for you", I told him. "You don't want that jew losing it for you."

He giggled, which was good for him. It depressed me to look over at his arm though, because I knew that this wasn't something that would take two weeks to fix. Cartman handed the necklace and I put it in my pocket. The nurse said, "You'll have to go now. He's going to be moved to the institution in about ten minutes, so we have to remove IV's and fill out paper work with his current guardians."

I got up, smiled to him, and walked out. The smile disappeared when I closed the door though, which lead to me crawling up in a ball on the floor and bawling my eyes out. Kyle walked over, sat down, and put his arms around me. It was nothing but tears for about five minutes while his parents went into Eric's room to finish the papers.

I stayed at Kyle's house for the rest of the weekend. We invited Kenny, but apparently he was too busy. He was probably just getting high nonstop like usual. Monday after school I was in his room at his house again and we spent the time watching Terrance and Phillip.

"Is it bad that I want to read Cartman's notebooks", he said. "I mean, they're just stacked up on my bookshelf and there's about twenty of them. Maybe I could understand him better if I did."

I was sitting on the floor reading the plot to some of the films that Eric had took over here. Most of them were about serial killers and sick snuff films. My friend went over to the shelf and grabbed one of the notebooks.

"Stop. That's invading his privacy. Would you want someone doing that to you?"

"He doesn't have to know. We could just read a page or two and put it back."

I climbed up on the bed, pulled out a cigarette, and lit it. He came over and sat next to me.

"Dude", he shrieked. "My mom will kill me if she smells that smoke."

"It's not a big deal. You can read his notebooks all you want, but I'm ok without knowing."

He grinned at me with and I felt like he was going to give me some type of piss faced attitude, but instead he just turned his head back and ignored me. I left the room and went outside in the front yard to finish my cigarette so he would stop bitching about me making the house smell like shit. His parents pulled up a few minutes later and asked me if Kyle and I wanted to visit Eric. My obvious response was, "I'm ready. When are we leaving?"

Sheila looked at her husband and said, "How about right now?"

"Sounds good to me. I'll get Kyle."

I ran back inside to his room and get him, but he wasn't in there. Maybe he was taking a leak in the restroom. I knocked on the bathroom door and he didn't answer, but I could hear him crying. The doorknob slowly opened and he pushed pass me and wept, "He wasn't lying, Stan. He really did kill someone."

"What the fuck are you talking about", I retorted back at him. "We have to go. Your parents said we can go visit Cartman."

"He didn't say who he killed, but he went into description. Holy fucking shit, he's fucking insane. What if he can't be fixed? What if he really is that fucked up in the head that he can't-"

I grabbed onto his shoulder and interrupted him saying, "Shut up. We need to go. He needs us more than ever. I don't give a shit that he's killed, he's not a fucked up person. Not everyone who's got blood on their hands turns out to be absolutely insane. Stop second guessing shit and assuming all these things. He's our friend and no matter what he's done we need to be there for him."

That shut him up pretty well. We got out of the house and spent the drive to the hospital in complete silence. It seems like silence was something that happened more often now after things about Eric were revealed. I don't know if it's all been a shock or we don't know what to say now. Maybe both.

We parked out next to the hospital. The psych ward that he's in turns out to be the same one that I went to. When we got inside they had to check us to make sure we didn't have any weapons or sharp objects. Then all of us would be directed through a door that needed a card to have it opened. It all brought back old memories.

Eric's Therapist greeted us and led us to a small room where Eric was. Kyle's parents left us alone with him. All that was inside this room was three chairs, a table, and white walls. Cartman was in the typical clothes they give to impatient people who haven't gotten clothes sent in yet.

"Has everything been ok", Kyle asked. "You don't seem as sick."

Cartman said nothing but just laid his head down against the table drooling. His hands were shaking and you could hear his heavy breath. I realized that this place probably wasn't that good for him. Finally, he spoke, "They've put me on medications. I can't stop shaking and I feel like a fucking zombie. I'm the lowest level at this place and got in two fights during group meetings. I've already lost ten pounds because the only thing I've ate is fucking crackers. They won't give me any food that I like. It's all shit. The therapist is forcing me to say every little detail about my life. Yesterday they did a CAT scan on me and some other shit. They said I have Schizophrenia, and I've probably had it sense I was a kid. The hallucinations and voices won't stop even with all the medications. Nobody can relate to me. I fucking hate this place."

Kyle looked shocked, but I wasn't. It made sense to me what they were doing at this place and I hated it because I told him how good it would all be. Does that make me a liar?

We spent about ten minutes talking about childhood memories until a Nurse came in and told us we needed to go. Before I left, I got down on the floor and said, "I got to tie my shoes real quick."

Everyone left the room and I pulled out the iron cross necklace from my sock. I grabbed Eric's stitched up arm and put it in his hand. He looked up to me with this genuine smile and I gave one back.

"Remember the people that love you", I told him. "You still have your friends who care about you more than anything. Once you get out of this place we'll be closer than ever as friends. Just don't lose hope. We need you with us more than you think."

And with that, I left.

* * *

Sorry for the long wait. Hope this shows you that there is hope for Eric. There is still a part of the story that needs to be told, so don't think the tension is gone yet.


	11. Chapter 11 Threads

**Cartman's POV:**

There was the nurse with cigarette stained teeth that would shine her flashlight in my eyes every night to make sure I was asleep. Fourteen boys and seven girls that made up the population of this place. The silverware in the lunch room was always plastic and you had to return them back in before leaving that room. You can only get pass the doors with a keycard from anyone that works in the unit.

"Ze plan is simple", Christophe said. "Once they go back to their computers after checking us to make sure we're asleep, we'll have ten minutes to sneak out into the hallways and get pass the front desk. Then we just need to grab one of the Nurses, take the keycard, and get the fuck out."

Christophe was my roommate, a guy I once knew from a long time ago, but I don't remember from when. He spent most of the time plotting down how he would kill a therapist on napkins or bashing on faith. He was about my height, my age, but seemed to have darker brown hair then I did.

It was day four at this shit hole. I think that means a Tuesday. The time is midnight and we're assured that the plan would be perfect. Over these past couple days, I had lost around ten pounds from eating none of the food and being loaded on fucking antipsychotics.

I also started working out with Chris. His mourning routine was fifty pushups and one hundred sit ups. So I did about half of what he did. Anytime we could go do recreation time both of us would hog the weights and treadmills. They put me on the highest level because they thought the fact that I was working out meant that I was doing something good for myself. Little did they know I was really trying to just get fit enough to get break out.

He reached under his bed and grabbed out a torn up piece of towel from under his bed. "This", he announced. "Is for them poking me in ze ass with those fucking syringes."

We shared allot of our madness in common, but I could say he's allot more violent than I am. On the second day of being here I told him about what I did to Scott and he just laughed his ass off. I remember him picking at scabs on his wrists while saying, "I tried to get revenge on my mother for trying to kill me before I was even born. Two years ago I went into her room while she was sleeping and shot her in the head about ten times with a nail gun. That's when they moved me into this place, but a family was nice enough to take me. Unfortunately, they were a very religious family. So when they tried to pull faith on me, I pulled my knife on them. Nobody died, but there was lots of blood." I had never seen someone so fucked up in the head in my entire life, yet he was so much more interesting than most people I knew.

I asked him, "Ok, well how much time do we have right now?"

"Nine minutes, ten seconds. Let's go."

We rushed out of our room and crawled on our knees against the wall. My heart raced as I pondered what it would be like getting caught and thrown back into the quiet room. That's the room they put you in once you've caused allot of trouble – usually they tranquilize you and strap you down. It's not fun. At all.

Once out of the hallway we sped up to the front desk and kept ourselves down. Above us were two nurses, both staring at the computer. It was all down to this moment. He gave me the nod and made me read his lips, "On five. Four. Three. Two."

And that's when he jumped up onto the desk pulling the towel out of his hands. I ran over and grabbed one of the nurse's mouths to keep it closed. Chris tied the towel around the other nurse and slammed her head into the wall after taking her keycard.

I looked at him scared and said, "What do I do with her?"

"Just snap her neck or something, fatass."

"I'm not going to kill her."

He walked over to me and put his hand on her shoulder. Somehow, she fainted. We ran over to one of the doors, swiped the keycard, and opened it. This lead to a two sided hallway. "Fuck", he shrieked. "Which fucking way did they take us in from?"

"Right."

We ran to the right hall as quietly as possible as if we were secret operatives, except these secret operatives were lunatics in a mental hospital. Finally, we reached the large doors that would lead to the main entrance. Unfortunately, there were more people we would have to bypass there.

Chris ran his hand through his hair and whispered, "Now this part will be tricky. We have to wait for four minutes until the guards come out so they come to check on us to make sure we're alive. Because these hallways are pitch black and they need a flashlight to see, we're going to lay down close to the doors, wait for them to close the doors, grab them by the feet and knock them out without them making a sound."

The idea was fucking insane, but we had no other choice. Both of us laid down flat on our stomachs ready for the time to run out. This was something that needed to be timed perfectly. Just one little cough could send all of this into fucking madness. I think I heard him mumble, "I hope they don't have fucking guard dogs out there."

Finally, the door opened and a man came through. Once the door shut and he reached to grab his flashlight, I jumped over to grab his legs as Christophe tossed himself over to the man. He slammed the guy's head down into the ground repetitively until he was knocked out. I took the flashlight, turned it on and looked for any weapons on him. There was a syringe that looked like it probably had a tranquilizer drug inside of it.

"Ok, Final phase", he explained. "This part includes us sneaking out to the front where you create attention to the woman at the front desk. She'll be distracted in where I'll shove that syringe in her neck, which will knock her out. Then we'll have enough time on our hands to find a safe escape without them rushing after us. We can do this."

I breathed in with my hand on the doorknob ready to push it open. Then I breathed out and ran through. The lobby was empty luckily, which would make this plan allot simpler. I looked over to the woman at the front desk, went over to her and said, "I drove all the way over here and wanted to see my friend. Is that possible?"

"Uhm, no sir. You'll need to have been on his or her contact list and have a scheduled time. Do you realize its midnight? Wait – you seem familiar. You're not a pat-"

Her head slid back on her chair as Chris rose up injecting her with the tranquilizer. She fell over from her chair and he jumped over the front desk saying, "Hurry. We need to get out of here now!"

Both of us ran out of the front doors and looked for the highway. I followed him as we ran through the parking lot. He stopped at some rusty old car and looked at me with a smile. I asked, "Can you hotwire it?" He nodded his back in response of a yes.

I stood back as he slammed his elbow into the car window as hard as he could, but nothing happened. I walked over to him and opened up the car door; in my lack of surprise it was unlocked. He jumped in the front seat and I got passenger. There was a gun in the glove box, which startled me. Once the car started I looked over to the backseat and checked for food. Of course there was fucking nothing. I hadn't eaten anything good for days.

"Could we stop by a fast food place or something for food?"

"We don't have any money."

"Well, then where the hell are we going?"

"Wherever you want."

That question hit me hard. It was obvious that he was planning on just leaving South Park, but I didn't know if I was yet. I said, "You know who Kenny McCormick is? I'd like to visit him. Then we can leave this place for good."

"Yeah, I know him. I used to buy meth from his dad."

We drove through the highway while a classical music station played. It reminded me how much I missed playing instruments and my love for music. Not only that, but just made me ponder about love in general. Kenny was everything to me and I wanted him so bad, but there was something else taking over me. Ever sense that incident with Kyle; I started getting feelings for him. I don't know why, but the jew started to become attracting to me. Maybe it's because he was everything I hated. Hatred was one of the only things that I loved in life.

"Who's the girl you're thinking about", he interrupted my thoughts. "I see that look on your face."

I breathed heavily and brought myself to words, "It's not a girl. It's two guys actually. I really love one of them, but for some reason another man that I once hated is attracting me. I don't know. It's all really stupid and fucked up."

"Well, I once had this girlfriend and she was pretty boring. I got her into some bondage and violent stuff, but not even that was enough. So in order for our relationship to get better we added another person into it. Yes, a three way relationship. Ever thought of that?"

"No. I don't think Kyle would be up for that though."

"Well, I'm not with them anymore. Love is overrated and fucking boring. Maybe you'll find it, but love I need anymore. I can live by myself. I am all I need."

We got up to Kenny's house, parked by their mailbox, and got out. Christophe walked over to me and asked, "So you're planning on getting drugs from him, right?"

"No", I chuckled. "Kenny's the guy I love."

He jumped back from me, stood quiet, and then shouted out in laughter. We got up to the door and I knocked. Kevin McCormick, Kenny's brother answered the door and said, "Haven't seen you for a while, Cartman. My brother is in his room, probably so wasted that he's made piss stains on the floor."

We both got in and carefully walked up the stairs. Some of the boards of the stairs were knocked out or hanging by a screw. The house looked allot more fucked up then it did the last time I was over. I opened the door to Kenny's room to find him sitting on his bed with a bottle of whiskey. He turned his head over to me slowly and said, "Cartman? How are you here? Who's the kid with you?"

"We broke out. I'm planning on leaving South Park for good. I wanted to stop by and spend time with you before leaving."

Christophe grabbed a pack of cigarettes that were lying on the floor. He said, "I'll wait for you outside. Be back in thirty minutes or I'll be gone."

He went out of the room and I walked over to my best friend. I could see sadness in his eyes and the only thing I hoped was that I wasn't the cause of it. He grabbed my hand and through me onto his bed in my surprise. "I've thought allot about you", he said. "And I think that I love you. There's just this feeling inside me that I can't control and every second you were gone I felt lost. But know that you're here it's alright. Do you understand how much I love you? You can't just leave."

"Well, I did just break out of a mental hospital, so if I were to just go back to Kyle's house I'm sure they would just take me back."

"Are you sure about that? He came over to my house this morning before school and told me about how bad he's felt over everything. Fuck, he's trying so hard to understand you but he doesn't know how. He told me about what you both did, but that doesn't bother me. I'm still a little surprised you would have something for him, but I think we could make all of this work out."

"Maybe all three of us should go out together. I mean, it might be a little strange for him, but I'm sure he'd be up to it."

His lips touched mine and our bodies touched each other. I brushed his hair with one of hands and lifted up his shirt with the other. He reached his hands to the shirt I still had on from the hospital and I let him pull it off. It was the first time I wasn't worried about someone seeing my stomach.

"Are you sure you can do this", he asked me. "I would understand if you don't want to. You don't have to be pressured into any of this."

"I'm alright", I answered back to him. He yanked down my pants and boxers quickly and I was naked in front of him on his bed. I didn't know how to feel about that though – letting him see my fat hang down and my chubby legs. He ran both of his hands up each of my legs which gave me shivers and said, "Don't worry about it. Just keep your mind on what I'm giving you and what you'll give me. Think about us, not what has happened to you in the past. This is an obstacle that you'll need to pass if you ever expect to move on in life without them on you. Just trust in me."

He put his head down and mine went back as I moaned in pleasure. I sat back as his mouth went to work and I relaxed. I let him this far once before, but I couldn't turn back now.

"Oh fuck Kenny….Stop before I…"

He stopped and brought himself up for air, then sat in my lap. I knew what he wanted me to do and I didn't know if I was ready for this yet. But the fear went away and I pulled him up a bit before slowly entering his body. I pushed myself harder and made a pattern between the thrusts. Kenny moaned out my name as he brought himself to a climax all over our chests. I kissed him and whispered, "You ready?"

He nodded his head and I pulled myself out, and then pushed myself back in quickly. I fucked him as fast and as hard as I could. Sweat was dripping from my hair and my lips were about ready to bleed as I bit down my lips as hard as I could. Finally, I released my specimen inside of him, pulled out, and let it ooze out of his ass.

"That was", Kenny was at lost for words. "Better than anything I've ever felt in my entire life."

There was a knock back at the door and Christophe said, "You ready to go yet?"

The decision had to be made. Kenny looked deep into my eyes and I couldn't leave him after this. My decision was made. I pulled my pants off the floor, put them on, and opened the door.

"I've made up my mind", I announced. "I think I've found a reason to stay."

* * *

Should I keep Christophe (The Mole) in the story? I'm debating that right now.


	12. Chapter 12 The End Of Trying

Christophe blew smoke out of his nose from a cigarette and said, "Well, where the fuck am I going to go? I'm not just going to run away by myself. And I'm certainly not going back to that fucking nut house."

"You could stay at my house", Kenny replied covering his naked body with bed sheets. "I mean, the house is shit, but you can stay here for as long as you want. We have random people living here all the time so it won't be a problem."

I walked over to the closet and tried to search for clothes, but everything was either torn up shirts or orange parkas. They were still talking behind me and I butted in, "I'd really like to not have to wear these shitty clothes from the hospital. Do you have any clothes that would possibly fit me?"

He slipped on the rest of his clothes and said, "Well, Christophe or Ze Mole or whatever you want to be called – you can grab clothes out of there. As for you, Cartman, I'll have to ask my Dad. I'll be right back."

Kenny ran down the stairs and Chris sat down on the bed ranting, "Ugh, fuck! I almost sat in some liquid pile of fucking cum. It makes me sick to see you both share love and affection. Why can't people just fuck without loving each other? Sense when should sex be about love? There is nothing romantic about a slimy cock ejaculating into a hairy pussy or a man putting his meat into someone's ass. No, I do not see love in it. I see pleasure, but not passion."

I took the cigarette out of his hands and took a long drag off of it. It felt good having that smoke fill my lungs again. That was one of the biggest things I missed when having to be locked up in that psych ward.

The door opened and Kenny tossed a pair of clothes at me. They were about my size, but looked disgusting. I put them on, thought about what I would do next, and said, "I think I'm going to visit Kyle's house."

Christophe was drinking the whiskey that laid next to the bed, burped, and asked, "Isn't that the friend you told me you were living with? His parents will just send you back to the nut house."

"I think I can trust him this time."

I walked over to the door before my friend stopped me with an arm, quietly saying, "Are you sure about this?"

"Yes."

And with that, I made my way out of the house. It wasn't nice to be wearing a short sleeve shirt and torn up jeans with no shoes or socks while walking through the snow. No, I find it rather discomforting. It didn't bother me much. I was just hoping my instinct of going back to his house would be alright. It wasn't that good of an idea. I mean, about an hour ago me and this absolutely insane kid knocked out a guard and three nurses. There was going to be consequences.

If there was one thing I knew for sure, that was that I was never going back to that fucking place again.

It took me about thirty minutes to get up to the house. I didn't feel like knocking, so I just made my way in. Luckily Mr. and Ms. Broflovski weren't there when I came inside. Ike passed by me though, but didn't seem to even care. He must have not been informed on anything. I slowly pushed the door to Kyle's room open and saw him sitting at his computer. He looked over to me with his jaw hanging like it could fall down and asked, "How did you get out?"

"I broke out. It wasn't that hard."

The room was totally different from last time. There were two different beds in the room and they were separated by a piano that was against the wall. This piano was huge and painted black. Then it came to me – was this all for me? I didn't remember him know how to play piano. He knew about my music talent. This was too much to handle. Too much kindness to someone who didn't deserve it.

"This isn't", I mumbled. "For me is it? Tell me you didn't get that bed and that Piano just for me?"

"It was supposed to be kind of a present for you when you get out of the hospital. But now you've broken out and I'm sure my parents will want you back in."

"You can't fucking let them take me back there. I'm doing better now."

He shut his laptop and stood up facing me. "Cartman", he said. "You tried to kill yourself in my bathroom. My brother was the one to find you. He's had nightmares every sense. I don't want you doing that again in my house."

That didn't make me feel any better. One of the first things he says is a dagger to me. Maybe my judgment was wrong. Suddenly, the door opened and his parents came in. Fuck. This wasn't going to be good.

"We got a call from the hospital that you were at. Do you know the damage you have inflicted on that place? You expect to come back here and pretend like none of this happened?"

This wasn't going to be good. I wanted to die again at that moment. Everyone was surrounding me and tossing their words around. There's no way I'd be able to win this argument. Not even with how convincing I usually am. I explained, "That place was killing me. All the medication that made me into a zombie. The therapist was forcing me to give out every detail of my life. You don't know what I've been through. I'm not going back to that place. None of you Jews can take me back there."

We stood in silence for a second before Sheila said, "Okay."

Gerald looked back at her in confusion. "Okay?"

"It'll obviously be allot to work out and lots of hospital bills we'll be responsible for. But if that place was really that bad to you, Cartman, I trust you. We want you to feel safe."

Holy shit. The big fat bitch was going to let me stay. Maybe I was more convincing than I thought. "You mean", I shuddered between words. "I won't go back?"

"We'll have to settle things with the hospital. Gerald and I will go up to sign discharge papers, but there will be lots of things to be settled. Also, we're going to make you see a therapist for now on. I'll call that number the police gave me. You'll need to see someone or I can't recommend you not going back."

"Thank you, Ms. Broflovski."

They walked out of the room. I don't think I had ever been so shocked by people before. How could people that I hate so much care about me? People that should hate me for probably tearing this family to shreds? This wasn't right. Kyle immediately hugged me when the door was closed. "I love you, Cartman", he said. "Even if you're into anti-Semitism and sick snuff films. Please, just promise me you won't ever do this again."

Some type of creaking noise came to the back of my head. I looked over to the piano and Scott was sitting down, patting the seat for me to sit down with him. Kyle was about to cry and I said what he wanted, "Never. I'll never try to kill myself ever again."

"Thanks. I'll be right back. I'm going to see if my parents have left and if they have if Ike needs any food. You need anything?"

"No thanks", I answered walking towards the piano. Scott moved over to let me sit down next to him. I lifted the lid to it and put my hands down against the keys.

Breathe in.

"You don't deserve this", he told me. "The friends that are here and this piano too. You deserve to be dead like me. Well, I already am, but now I'm trapped in your fucking head. I know you hate me being in here too, don't you? Just kill yourself while you still can, faggot."

I closed my eyes and let my mind take over. The piano filled the room and I couldn't take my hands off playing it even if I wanted to. It was the only way to keep him out of my head. Once my brain is already occupied with something like playing music, he cannot interfere.

Of course Kyle can. My eyes opened back up as I saw him above me with his hand on my shoulder. I looked to my right and Scott was gone, thankfully. "That was beautiful", he said. "Hope I get to hear more soon."

"I fucked Kenny in the ass."

He paused and sat down on the left side bed. I got up and went to the closet to grab a different shirt, one that was actually mine.

"You mean, like wait. What? When did this happen?"

"Well", I stuttered trying to find my jacket. "Before I came over here."

"I thought…I'm so lost right now."

"Well, I was thinking of something. I know this is going to sound absolutely stupid and insane, but I think us three should go out."

He fell back on his bed and put a pillow over his head. I didn't think he would take this the right way nor would he want to go through with this plan. Kyle is too loyal and loving of a person to do something that isn't normal. He got up, through the pillow at me and said, "Fuck it. Why not. Let's do it."

"You're serious?"

"Yeah, I am. I'm just hoping this isn't a dumb choice of mine."

Once I got all my own clothes back on I noticed that my notebooks were missing off the bookshelf. It should have been obvious that he would read them. Luckily, I never wrote down Scott's name in the journal, but if he did read them, then that would mean he would know that I murdered someone. I asked, "What happened to my notebooks?"

"You want the lie or the truth?"

"Truth."

"I read them. I read every single page and I'm sorry. It's just that I wanted to understand what drove you to it and I know it's your privacy, but I'm just so scared. So I left them under my bed so my parents wouldn't find them and read about all your plans to wipe out the race of hippies and jews. And yes, I know what you did, but you don't have to tell me if you don't want to now. It's the past and what matters is what's going on right now."

This overwhelming anger ran through my blood and my body tensed up. 'Kill him', Scott said in my head. 'You have no choice. What if he tells someone?'

"Alright, Kahl", I replied. "I trust you, but you have to promise not to tell anyone any of this. And I don't want you trying to search for answers on me. The reason is because you might not like what you see. Understand?"

He walked over to me and kissed my lips. I rubbed my hands up his back as he whispered into my ears, "I understand."

I spent the rest of the night playing piano as Kyle shoved his head through textbooks. He was studying for tests that he thought he wouldn't pass. Yes, he's from New Jersey, Jewish, and red haired, but he's one of the smartest guys in our school. There wasn't a way he would fail those tests. After playing Piano for about an hour, I decided to go to rest.

"Hey fatass", a voice said waking me up. "You gotta' wake up. You've got to talk to some therapist lady this morning."

It was the jew. He wasn't wearing his green hat, which was a real turn on to see his curly red hair dangle down. Oh fuck, he was so beautiful just above me. Wait. Therapist? Fuck my life.

I grabbed on my usual clothes, but couldn't find my yellow mittens, which kind of pissed me off. At least Sheila got a good breakfast – Chocolate Donuts. I ate all the left overs that everyone else couldn't finish before realizing that it was actually a school day still. Kyle left and I didn't even notice. I thought about what it would be like when I do return back to school and when I will.

Sheila drove me to this place in South Park that I had never seen. It looked old, weary, and for a second I was afraid that she was about to throw me into a hospital worse than the other. But once we both got in, I realized everything was clean and nice. It all seemed pretty strange. There was all this nice furniture sitting everywhere. We waited for about ten minutes until this woman came out of a door with Craig. She said, "You're improving lately and I want more sessions like this." He gives her the middle finger and walks out. Heh, Craig was going here? That was unexpected. Maybe not. He always seemed like a pissed off and depressed guy.

It took me a second to realize that the Therapist was actually Butters' Mother, Linda Scotch. It was strange because I always remember hearing that she was an engineer. She led me into a room and closed the door. Everything was clean, happy, and just too nice for me. Something wasn't right about this picture.

I sat down on a sofa and she pulled up a rolling chair and notebook. She sat down in it, clicked her pen and read, "Eric Cartman, sixteen years old, and from South Park right?"

"Yeah."

"I know who you are", she joked. "I just read the file on you that was transferred from me from the hospital you were at. It seems like you've got gone through allot. How about we start off by talking about your mother. Her funeral is this Saturday, if you don't remember."

Somehow, I did forget about her having a funeral. "I don't think I'll go", I told her. "I know that sounds like an asshole thing to say, but it's just too much for me to handle."

"Maybe you should make that a goal for yourself. To set things straight and say one last goodbye."

I didn't feel comfortable talking to Butters' mother about my life issues. This wasn't something I wanted to talk about and people should know by now that I don't like talking about my shit.

She kept talking, "It says in your file that you said you were sexually abused most of your childhood. The men that did it to you were customers of your mother. Is that why you don't want to go to her funeral?"

The bitch just had to bring it to that level. "Seriously", I raised my temper. "This isn't going to work. I'm not giving you explanations or anything. You can't expect me to just say hello and spill my guts. Just fuck off. Please."

"The only reason you haven't gotten in trouble for what you did at the hospital is because Sheila transferred you here for help. Your Schizophrenia was to blame for your actions, so you wouldn't get into trouble. Now if you don't want to go back or face consequences, you'll have to participate in these sessions. Now, how about we talk about something else. Your file also says that you're a self-harmer and you eat to deal with your issues."

I had to fight back her words. "I'm still trying to figure out how you're a therapist", I questioned. "I mean, Butters told me you tried to kill him when he was young. You tried to drown him in a lake with him in a car, right?"

"My son does say some nonsense", she mumbled under her breath. "But this is about you, not me or my son. You think you can answer any of my questions?"

"I've been cutting myself sense seventh grade and over eating sense as long as I could remember", I said quickly. "Is that good enough? Does that get you off or something?"

"You're behavior is defensive and convincing. As smart as you are, you do seem quite afraid of being questioned or being wrong."

I stood up and yelled on the top of my lungs, "Could you please shut the fuck up?"

"Sit down", she fought back. "It's only been five minutes. We still have another fifty five left in this session."

I walked over to the door and before opening it I said, "You know what you can do with the rest of those minutes? You can shove them straight up your fucking ass."

Linda Scotch and Sheila Broflovski talked for a while I ran out to get in the car. I knew that it was going to be bad, but I didn't expect it to be that bad. Sheila got in the car and looked pretty frustrated, but I couldn't blame her. This fatass kid has fucked up her family and all she does is keep trying to help. I was coming to realize that I might just be a bigger asshole then I thought I always was. She looked at me, breathed heavily and said, "You'll have to see her tomorrow. I told her to not go in deep because you don't want to talk about your past and she understands. I'm trying to help you, Cartman. You're a part of our family now. But you have to let me help you. Can you do that?"

Like usual when someone asks me a question, I didn't answer. Truthfully, I didn't want help because I don't deserve it. It's as simple as that.

* * *

I know, it's not much of an update. Although, there will be some interesting stuff coming up. Oh, and Butters will be in future chapters.


	13. Chapter 13 Bastard

Kyle's POV:

Not only was it strange to see Kenny at school today, but because he was taking the midterm exams for English in class with me today. He's a smart guy for sure, although he just doesn't want to put effort into anything he does. After that class I followed him down the hallway and asked, "Did you know that we're going out?"

He laughed pretty hard for a couple seconds before catching his breath. "Yeah, I know", he replied. "Also, I'm coming home with you today. I hope your parents don't mind the smell of pot."

I wanted to talk about something else though. This conversation wasn't supposed to be about our strange relationship, but about a deeper matter. I focused the words out in my head before saying them, and then said, "Cartman told me a while back that he had killed someone. Of course he said he was just joking, but I've looked into his notebooks. I know he did. You're a close friend of his. If you know anything…"

"That's strange", he mumbled back to me. "I've never heard him say that, ever. I'm sure he was joking around with you."

We got into the lunch line together and Clyde came over to us. He got in the middle of us and said to me, "There's a picture going around the school of you and Stan kissing, Kyle. Are you two really fags?"

My body felt separate from my own skin and everything at the moment had been inverted to shock and confusion. How did someone get a picture of that? It's been about a year sense anything between us happened. I didn't want to believe it, but the first person I thought of who would do this is Cartman. Although, he had just gotten out of the hospital and it doesn't seem like he would do that now. I trusted him and I think he trusts me. I asked, "Who sent that picture to you, Clyde?"

"I'm not tellin' you", he said back to me. He walked away laughing his ass off. Kenny didn't seem shocked at all. He grabbed his wallet out of his pocket grabbing lunch money and shuddered, "Well, I always thought you two were fucking."

"It's not like that", I retorted. "A year ago I had a thing for him and he did too, but his parents caught us together doing…stuff. That's when it ended. We haven't done anything sense. He's straight, actually."

It seemed like everyone in the lunch room would look at me for a couple seconds. Chills went up me as I made my way through the lunch line, but all I could think about was just rushing out of the school as fast as I could.

Cartman couldn't have done this. Once I got out of the line with my food I sat down at an empty table. Kenny sat next to me and grabbed my French fries. All he was able to buy was a juice box. We sat in silence until someone else came to our table, Butters.

"I can sit here right", he asked. "I don't have anywhere else to sit."

"Sure. Why the fuck not?"

Butters was the kid that everyone in the school seemed to pick on. He used to be a really nice kid and I guess he still is, but there's days where you'll just here that he got in a fight with someone and ended up breaking the persons nose. He still wears his turquoise jacket and acts as innocent as can be, but something about him changed over the year. Maybe he was starting to learn that the Earth isn't as good as a place as he always thought it was. He was a little shorter than me, but doesn't look as weak when you see him in a fight. He ate his food slowly while staring at me strange, which got me curious and I said, "What's your fucking problem?"

"Oh, uhm", he murmured. "Well, there's a picture going around the school showing you and Stan kissing."

I gripped onto my fork and joked, "I know. It's great, isn't it? Yup, I'm a big fucking faggot and everyone knows about it now. Stan's going to hate me forever and it's not even his fucking fault. Things couldn't get much fucking better."

"Oh buttercups, I'm sorry", he said quietly. I finished my food and questioned Butters, "Do you know who sent you the picture?"

"Well, apparently Cartman was sending it to everyone this morning. It makes sense he hates you for being jewish and stuff. Jeez, I'm sorry about everything. You can come to talk to me whenever you want."

That was the last fucking straw. I slammed my fist down on the table, stood up, and rushed out of the lunch room. Kenny was following me and stopped me in the hallway, "Dude, what do you think you're going to do?"

"I'm going home", I yelled. "That fat fucking fucker is living and my house and ruining my fucking life. Not only mine, but Stan's too. And I don't want to talk to him today because he'll probably tear off my fucking head. You can come over later tonight, but this three way dating thing or whatever this sick game Cartman is trying to play is off for now."

I pushed him away from me before running as fast as I could to the backdoors of the school. I pushed my way out through the doors and the snow only got worse. Once I was passed the parking lot and to the drive way, I got down on my knees in the snow and started screaming. I didn't stop until I noticed that some cars were slowing down to look at me. On the way home I dreaded the fact that I would probably have to kick him out of my house or if my mom would find out. If she found out, I'd probably go to one of those places Butters got sent to when he was a kid.

When I got home I realized mom wasn't home, which was good because I didn't want her to hear me fighting if I did end up getting in a fight. I got into my room and Cartman was playing the piano, relaxed and seemed almost ghost like. I don't know how to describe it, but he seemed so different when he was playing music then he does in real life. I walked over to him and said his name. He didn't hear me at all. I tried to say it louder but nothing worked. So I did the only thing I thought I could do – I placed one finger down on a key and he jumped out of his chair in fear.

"What the fucking hell, Kahl", he screamed at me. "Aren't you supposed to be at school?"

"I left. I know you've been showing some picture of Stan and I kissing around the entire school and now everyone thinks I'm a flaming fag. Why would you do that after everything my family has done to try and help you."

"Wait, what", he gasped in shock. He looked surprised, confused; like I was speaking some foreign language. "I don't have a phone, I haven't figured out how to get internet on my laptop here, and you're computer is password protected. How do you expect me to send pictures to everyone at school of you two? And I do appreciate everything you've gave me. I've been playing this piano sense I got home from seeing some dipshit therapist."

At that moment I realized that Eric didn't send the pictures. It wasn't possible – not with that face that he just gave me. But I still felt a little suspicious. He was an asshole to me for a long time and I wouldn't be that surprised if he tried to pull some type of shit like this off on me. "I'm the biggest asshole", I said under my breath. "But if you didn't, who did and why?"

"I don't know. It's not going to be that bad that everyone knows you like cock. I mean, there are a couple gay people at our school and Bebe is a lesbian. They don't get pushed around. Maybe it's better that everyone can see the real side of you, you know?"

"No, it's not", I argued back. "Would you want everyone in the school to know that you were raped by your mother's daily customers?"

He sat down on the carpet and took his jacket off, putting his hands over his eyes. I couldn't keep my fucking mouth shut, could I?

"I didn't mean that, Eric. I'm sorry. You can punch me in the face or something if you want. I deserve it."

"Fuck off. Now you want me to punch you to prove that I'm such a big asshole that I need to avenge myself after being offended? I'm not angry with you and I still like you, I just need you to fuck off right now. Please."

His eyes kept twitching and he was doing this weird thing with his head. He started rocking back and forth while sitting on the ground and I said, "I'm leaving, but I'll be back in here in about thirty minutes to make sure you're ok."

I walked out of my room and headed towards the kitchen. I hadn't checked my blood sugar all day, so I decided I'd do that. My mother seems to always lose my insulin, so it took me a while to find it. Of course, she left it in the pantry next to a bag of pretzels. I took both, took my dose of insulin, then sat down at the table and eat the bag of pretzels quietly by myself. It didn't feel right leaving him in that room because he could easily try to kill himself, but I didn't want to break his trust. I already pushed it today.

My phone buzzed in my pocket and I took it out even though I knew what was coming. It was a message from Stan saying, "I fucking hate you." I shoved my phone back in my pocket and went back to my room. Cartman was still rocking back in forth staring at the carpet. I sat next to him, put a hand on his shoulder, and he stopped. His head slowly turned to me and his eyes were wide open staring at me. I said, "Do you want to talk about what happened today with the therapist?"

He breathed heavily, and rubbed his hand through his hair. "She was just really quick with everything", he shared. "Like five minutes into the thing and she wanted to talk about my mom's suicide and shit. I don't want to go to my mother's funeral and I don't know why. My nightmares are getting worse and I feel like I'm going to end up hurting more people."

I got up closer to him and he kept going, "I just don't want to be this person anymore. I'm sick of every time I take off my shirt there's that fat belly hanging down. I hate all these cuts that I've put on myself, but for some reason I go back to the blade over and over. It's just like this fucking cycle and I can't ever break it."

We sat together in silence holding onto each other. Every once in a while he would start to cry and I would comfort him, but he just seem so out of it. The doorbell rang a couple hours later and I rushed to it. Before I even got the chance to open the door, Kenny comes in smoking a cigarette. We go to my room and sit down together on the floor next to the piano. Cartman told him everything he told me and pretty much gave some advice that almost sounded exactly like mine. That got me to thinking – maybe nothing we've said to him is actually affecting him. He's just hearing the same shit over and over.

"You forgot your necklace at my house", Kenny said pulling out the Iron Cross necklace. Cartman put it around his neck and kissed him, then looked at me. He was smiling for the first time all day and his intentions seemed obvious now. I rubbed one of my hands on his leg and kissed him, then turned myself to give Kenny a kiss too. He took off my shirt and I responded by taking off his while Eric kept his on.

I felt bad for being such a horny bastard. Cartman was probably as confused as I was about what he was doing. It was clear he didn't like us seeing him shirtless even if we didn't mind it. It was a personal matter for him and I learned to respect that.

"I want to keep my shirt on", he said. "I'm sorry if that takes away most of the fun."

I pulled my pants and boxers down and intrigued both of the boys as to being the first guy naked. Kenny did the same, then unzipped Cartman's pants. He looked nervous and I didn't know if this was such a good idea, but then he smiled again and helped pull his bottom clothes off. There was this pile of our clothes stacked up on the piano seat. All of our bodies were rubbing against each other which kept us warm even in my cold bedroom. I went down on Cartman and took his manhood in my mouth. His moans were loud and beautiful to my ears.

Kenny tapped me on the shoulder and I took a break, letting him take over. He was obviously better at this than I was, but it didn't bother me. Once he had finished Eric, he got on this position on his knees and said, "Come on Kyle. Show me what you can do."

I put my hands on his sides and looked at Cartman as I made my way inside. It was my first time being on top, which was cool because I always thought of myself as a bottom. It took a couple minutes for Kenny to finally finish off and beg me to let him rest. That's when the tables turned and Eric enforced, "I want you to do what you just did to Kenny to me now." I took his orders and laid on top of his chest as he nodded his head as a yes. I slowly put myself in and brought my lips to his as I pushed myself into him.

At that moment, we had a connection that couldn't be broken. He shared me something that was precious to me and I wasn't afraid to be a part of him now. Whatever secrets he still had and whatever things he's done weren't as important. Everything between the pictures around school and Stan probably wanting to kill me didn't matter. All that did at this moment was us, even Kenny as he watched me.

"Fuck dude", I groaned to him. "You ready?"

"I'm ready."

I gasped out and came inside of him. My body grew tired all of a sudden and I wanted to sleep. I took myself out and fell back on the carpet. That's when a knock came to the door. All three of us looked at each other stupidly for a second and started throwing our clothes back on.

"Who is it", I asked out loud. The door opened and Kenny got underneath the bed as Cartman sat down on the piano seat pretending like he was perfectly fine. I stood up and looked directly at the person at the door. It was Stan.

He rushed over to me and yelled, "You fucking asshole! I had to quit football today because everyone thinks I'm a faggot. It's your fault someone got a picture of this. Everyone says that you did it, Cartman."

"I didn't do shit", he cursed out. "It's not my fault or Kyle's. It's not even your fault. Besides, who's the one that said that I was the one who did it?"

"Butters. Why does that matter?"

I looked over to Cartman as his face turned to this violent grin. He looked like he was going to kill someone. "That's strange", I said. "Butters told me that too."

Cartman stood up and went to the closet. I saw him put on his mittens and cap. He looked back on us for a second and before walking out of my room he said, "Stay here. I'll be back."

The door slammed and Kenny got out from under the bed. The only thing that came to my mind was, "What the fuck is going on?"


	14. Chapter 14 The Deal

Yes, I know this is a short chapter, but it's like that for a reason. I'll try and make the next one longer. Also, I'm thinking about having this story go to 20-25 chapters. It just depends on my creativity.

* * *

**Cartman's POV:**

I walked for thirty minutes in a blizzard to get to Butters house. When I got up to the door I paused myself before knocking. It was strange for me to think Butters would be the one to do this. Maybe he was trying to get revenge on me for getting him involved with Scott. Finally, I knocked on the door. Linda Scotch, or also known as my bitch therapist, opened the door to greet me, "Oh hello Cartman. You didn't have to come here to apologize for your behavior."

"Actually, I want to speak to Butters for a minute or two."

"Alright, but you can't stay for too long. He's grounded and has loads of homework to do."

She let me come inside. I haven't been inside Butters house for years. Yeah, I used to drive him home allot, but he never actually let me inside. He said if I came inside the house he wouldn't expect me to understand much about it.

The walls of the living room were painted black and furniture looked thrown around. I peeked over into the kitchen and his Dad was sitting down at the table staring directly at me. His eyes were large and seemed like those of a serial killer. I turned around and left to go to my old friend's room. I opened the door to it slowly, stepped inside and saw him at his computer desk working on homework. He turned his chair around and said to me, "Do I have your attention yet?"

"What the fuck is wrong with you", I ranted at him. "I know you took those pictures of Stan and Kyle and you said I took them. You realize that you're fucking up their lives? If this is about getting revenge on me, leave my fucking friends out of it."

He laughs and sticks his hands out pointing at me. I knew who Butters was, but this certainly couldn't have been him. No. The one I knew cared about people and was as kind as could be. He stood up and replied, "Well, I wouldn't exactly call this revenge. My mother is your therapist; therefor she has a file that has every little detail about you inside of it. Last night my mom was looking at it and I glanced over to take a peak. Well, she left to go to the restroom and I decided to make a personal copy of it. Now I know everything about you. I plan to give out the information unless you help me with a few things."

"Which is?"

"There's a person that doesn't understand that I'm not to be fucked with. His name is Token Black, whom you should know. He's the only one at school who I've lost a fight to. I hate the fucker more than anyone. So you're going to dispose of him for me. And if you don't, everyone will know that you weren't sick last week, but in a mental hospital. They'll know that you're a suicidal schizophrenic and who was sexually abused as a kid. I also plan to tell the police the truth about Scott if you don't help me. You really have no choice."

The fucking bastard was black mailing me. I was supposed to be the best at that. Who the fuck does he think he is? I walked closer to him and argued, "You're fucking insane. I'm not killing someone for you. Whatever you say – it's not going to convince me. You're not the Butters I used to know. You've changed it's for the worse."

"This is where you're very wrong. If you do this for me, not only will I keep your secrets, but I'll give you the one thing that you've wanted for so long. I know you loved the feeling of killing Scott. Face it, you're a killer. But there's one person you've wanted dead longer than Scott. I know who it is because I was friends with Scott before you tried to pull your shit on me. He told me about the man that you hated most. He was your mother's most frequent customer and he hurt you worse than the other men. I know that he used to call you his angel. Don't you want to know where he lives? Don't you want your revenge? I see it in you, Cartman. All that anger boiling up for so long and you don't know how to take it out other than obsessive eating and cutting yourself. I can help you if you help me. Kapeesh?"

I couldn't trust him after the fact that he just admitted to being friends with the guy I killed and the same guy who's now in my head every fucking day. He probably knew details about it all too. The thing about blackmailing is that once you've gotten what you want, you pull off betrayal on the person. You end up not sticking to the promise and fucking them over. If I killed Token, he would show everyone those files, tell everyone I killed Scott, and probably say I also killed Token. I had enough blood on my hands. There's no way I could do it.

He sat back down and pulled out a couple sheets of paper. He rolled his chair over to me so I could see what they were. They were the files. The blonde wasn't fucking around with me.

Revenge is something that I have wanted for a long time. The people that have ruined my life deserve to die and I want them to stare into my eyes and know that I'm stronger than them. I came over my light emotions and said, "Fine. I'll do it. Tonight I'll go to his home while he's asleep and kill him. I think I remember where he lives. But you have to stick to the promise. By that, you have to give me something before I actually do this tonight. I want the man's address. If you give it to me I promise that I'll do what you want."

"I know that you're pretty good at blackmail too", he said. "I'll give you a hint. Once I give it to you I want you out of my house. You'll have to call me once you're done. Go back to where it all began. That is your hint. Go, fatass. Call me once it's over."

He turned his chair around and went back to his homework as if we never had the conversation. I slowly walked out of his room in shock and fear – fear for the first time in a long time. This fear was that he might actually win this. I would have to have a back plan over him. I couldn't kill Token. I'm not a cold blooded killer.

When I got out of his house it had stopped snowing and the weather was absolutely silent. There wasn't any wind, no cars, or children building tunnels in the snow. Everything was just so fucking quiet. I had this surreal feeling that tonight I would have to make a life or death choice. My fingers were freezing even with my mittens on. Once I got back to Kyle's house I ran to the kitchen and turned the sink on, letting the hot water come down on them. Kenny, Kyle, and Stan all appeared in the kitchen after I finished whipping my hands off. Kenny was the first one to talk. He crossed his arms and asked, "So, is it Butters who is doing this?"

"No", I lied. "He said someone told him that I was the one sending the pictures around. I don't know who did it."

"FUCK", Kyle yelled. Sheila came to us and gave a pissed off face to her son. She walked over to him, slapped him on the face and said, "Don't bring that language under my roof! I suggest you guys go home. Kyle, Cartman, and I have to talk about something."

Stan rolled his eyes before walking out of the house. Kenny walked over to me and put something in my hand and whispered, "You forgot this at my house." It was my iron cross necklace. I shoved it in my sock when Stan gave it to me while I was in the hospital. I must have left it there at his house when I changed clothes there. How the fuck could I forget about that?

The three of us sat down at the dinner table. Sheila looked at me and said, "You're going to start going to school again next Monday. Your teachers are making exceptions for the work you missed and if you need any help, they're willing to help you. Also, all the medication you were on in the hospital is still prescribed to you, so I brought all of it home from the pharmacy. You'll need to start going back on it tomorrow. Kyle, I want you to help him with the homework he'll have when he comes home next Monday. He might have allot of work and he can't have him being stressed out."

"Sure, mom", he mumbled under his breath. "Can we go now?"

"As you wish."

Both of us walked off into Kyle's room. I went straight to the piano and opened up the case. Then it came to me – I had never said thanks to the jews for it.

"Thanks for the Piano", I said. "I like it. Like, I really, really like it."

"Yeah, I noticed. But I do like to sleep once in a while, so you'll have to stop playing it when I get tired if that's ok with you."

"Whatever jewfag."

He sat next to me on the seat and put his arms around me. I pulled him close and we had a long tongue in mouth session. This could be my last time kissing Kyle if things fuck up. I couldn't fuck this up. I had to kill Token. I had to kill the man who hurt me. I needed revenge.


	15. Chapter 15 Count To Six And Die

I snuck out of the house once Kyle was asleep. The thing about Jews is they're heavy sleepers, which was an advantage for me. Before I left, I called Stan and asked for Token's address and phone number, which he gave me. The next stop was to get to Kenny's house.

Blackmail is a bitch. Pulling off plans to stop the person who is doing it to you is not only stupid, but dangerous. Things don't always go your way, but I've had experience with this type of stuff. My plan wasn't to Token, but I want Butters to think I did so I get what I want. The part that hasn't been thought out yet is how I plan to take Butters down.

The lights at Kenny's crackhouse were on like a Christmas tree on fire. I walked up to the Door and noticed that it was open. Immediately as I walked in Christophe ran to me and said, "I was wondering if I'd see your fatass ever again."

"You still living here", I questioned. "How long do you plan to stay here?"

"About two more weeks, than I plan to make a trip to Australia. No real reason why I want to go there though."

I walked over to the living room and Kenny's father was lying on a torn up sofa. He smiled when he saw me and said, "Hey! Cartman, what brings you to our house? Kenny is probably asleep right now."

"Actually, I was hoping I could talk to you."

He stood up and walked over to me. Christophe pulled out two cigarettes, lit both, and handed one to me. "I need a drug that will make someone look like they're dead, but they aren't."

Chris was staring at me with some seductive smile like he knew what I was planning. Stuart McCormick came up to me, put his hand on my shoulder and said quietly, "Why don't we go check to see if we have any left in the basement?"

I nodded my head slowly and followed him. It takes allot to creep me out, but Stuart is hands down one of the strangest people to be around. One we got halfway down the stairs there was a collection of gas masks hanging off of nails. He told me to put one on, which I did, and we kept walking down. There was about four guys down in the basement, which seemed more like an underground kitchen. It took me a couple seconds to notice that this wasn't some science experiment, but it was actually a fucking meth lab. Stuart opened a cabinet which had this miniature fridge in it. There was a lock on the fridge and he pulled out a napkin from his pocket that had writing on it. The code to the lock was on the napkin, which he used to open it up. That's when he found a small container of clear liquid. He grabbed a syringe from a box that was sitting by and handed both to me saying, "This shit will do exactly what you want. If someone were to check the pulse, it wouldn't be there. They'd look dead, but they wouldn't be. It only works for about six hours though."

I shoved the shit in a pocket inside my jacket, turned my back, but he grabbed my arm and asked, "What exactly are you doing, Cartman?"

I looked to the ground to think for a second. Really, I didn't know what I was doing. My words finally managed to come out and I answered, "I'm saving someone's life."

He stood still as I ran up the stairs and tossed my mask off. Luckily, I was able to get out of the house without Kenny seeing me. If he knew the trouble I was getting into I'd probably lose my friendship with him. I started walking again out in the snow and my legs finally started to ache from walking. Token lived another five miles away.

"So you're going to kill again", Scott laughed walking beside me. "If you don't, Butters will ruin your life. Maybe he'll even kill you! Maybe you should kill him too."

"Fuck off."

"But you know that I'm right. He's not the Butters he used to be anymore. Maybe it's your fault. What you did to me might have impacted him. Someone has to die soon. Maybe you should try to kill yourself again."

I turned around to face him, pushed him away from me and screamed, "Get out of my fucking head!"

"Eventually, I'll leave. But not yet."

"What do you mean?"

"Well, there's many ways you could get rid of me. The easiest is for you to just kill yourself. Or, you could replace me with someone else. That means you would have to kill someone else and have them live in your head. Of course, you're insanity would just increase. See, I know you want to kill again. Isn't that why you're taking this deal? You hate your life. I know you wouldn't have a problem at this point if everyone knew what you were doing. You want to know where that man that raped you is. You want to kill him. You're a murderer, Cartman."

I kept walking through the snow in exhaustion. About an hour later I finally got my huge ass over to token's house. Now the trick was to get inside. I walked to the backyard fence, opened it up and went to the backdoor. There was a ladder that led up to a room. I knew where this was because a couple years ago I used to hang out with him allot. He would sneak out using that ladder so we could get high with Kenny. I looked to make sure Scott was gone then started pulling myself up to the room. Once I got all the way up I slid his window open slowly and got myself inside of his room.

Token was sleeping on his bed like a baby with his thumb in his mouth. It was quite humorous, but then I caught myself back to reality. I pulled out the small bottle and syringe. He turned over on his back as I came closer to him. I filled the syringe up, put it right into his arm and his eyes quickly opened up. He was about to start screaming so I put my mitten over his mouth and gave him the rest of the dose. His eyes went shut again and I tossed the bottle and syringe under his bed.

Now the hard part was figuring out how to get a muscular guy who's almost seven foot tall out of the house and move him somewhere else. The ladder wouldn't be a safe idea. There was security on the Doors and I didn't have the password to turn it off. The other option would be to use his car and drive right out of his house with it.

I grabbed Token and carried him in my hands while rushing out of his room and down the stairs. The fucker was quite heavy, so you can imagine how difficult it is trying to be quiet and take him down to the garage. Once I got in, I dropped him down and opened up the car door. The car keys were on the dashboard and I turned the car. Then I had to move Token into the back of the car. It wasn't really secretive, so if I got pulled over I would have been in deep shit. I drove out of the garage and drove as quickly as I could to Butters house.

This was the part that I didn't have planned out. School was going to start in six hours and that's about the same time he'll wake up. Once I got up to Butters driveway I saw the light from the upstairs bedroom he sleeps in turn on. I bet he was waiting all night for this. He finally came down and opened the door, walking to the car slowly.

I rolled down the window and he stuck his head inside, looking at the backseat. He opened up the backseat of the car and closed it. I looked behind me as Butters checked Token's pulse.

"Tell me", he observed. "How did you kill Mr. Black?"

"I put a pillow around his face while he was asleep. It was quiet and simple."

"So you wouldn't mind if I slashed his throat open to make sure?"

My body froze and I snapped out of it, remembering that I had to play along with this. He giggled a bit and said, "Oh Buttercups, I'm just kidding. I trust you, Eric."

"Did you just say…Buttercups?"

"Yeah why?"

"You haven't said that for a long time", I said. He got out of the car and started walking off back to his door. I ran out of the car and grabbed his arm, asking, "We had a fucking deal. Tell me where he is. I killed him for you."

He pulled out a sticky note from his pocket and handed it to me. I read it, stuck it in my pocket, and walked away from him. Once I got up to the door of my car, I turned back and asked, "You promise this is over?"

"Yes, Eric. I promise."

I got inside and turned the car back on. Next, I drove the car up to the basketball court. Next, I parked the car, tossed the keys at Token's unconscious body and got out. Scott walked up to me and noted, "You know that Butter's is going to find out you didn't kill Token? Then what? All of this would have been for nothing."

"You're wrong. I got the address. This is all that matters now."

He disappeared in thin air as I started walking away from the basketball court. The house I was going to was walking distance. I knew exactly where it was. Yes, my plan was to just walk in and fucking kill him. What else would there be to do?

Once I got up to the house, I examined the doorknob. I stared at it for a couple seconds deciding if this was a good idea. Kyle and Kenny loved me. Stan was just starting to come close as a friend to me. I had just met Christophe and he's one of the only people I can relate to. I can't just toss all of them away.

My hand twisted the doorknob and pushed it open. Every light in the house was off. I slowly walked inside and I could hear some high pitched noise. It was coming from the living room. There was a small television sitting on the carpet with nothing but static playing. I got closer until I noticed he wasn't in the room. Two hands suddenly grabbed at my shoulders and a voice said, "I've missed your fat sexy ass, Cartman."


	16. Chapter 16 Killing For Company

**Kyle's POV:**

Cartman was gone. When I woke up, he wasn't in my room. At first I thought he was probably in the bathroom, but he wasn't. I woke up my whole family and we searched for him around the house. After that, I called Stan and Kenny. They didn't know where he was. Stan did tell me that Eric called asking for Token's number though.

At first I thought to myself, 'Why would he need Token's number?' Nothing was making sense. My mother called the police an hour after we had woken up and they said they would immediately start searching for him. Even though this situation was already shit, I still had to go to school.

Butters sat next to me on the bus. He went through his lunch and asked me, "Oh golly, I haven't seen Cartman for a while. Is he really sick or something?"

"He's getting better," I replied. "He'll be back next week, actually."

"That's good. Tell him that I hope he gets better."

I bit on my lip as I tried to guess what Cartman was talking about with him when he went to his house. Maybe he knew something I didn't. Everyone knew Butters was gay and that he was involved in prostitution. Apparently, his family problems were getting worse. It didn't really make sense to me though. I could never see him selling his body for money. But then again, I didn't ever expect what Cartman told me about himself.

"But didn't you talk to Cartman when he came over yesterday?"

He took a bite off his sandwich as the bus stopped at the school and answered, "Well, yeah. It was short. He asked me if I was spreading that picture around the school. Whoever did that is cruel though. I accept you and Stan for you guys are though, so if you need a friend you can talk to me."

"Stan isn't gay. I was the one that kissed him. Now I have to explain that to everyone that asks me."

We both got off the bus and headed separate ways. I had Basketball for first period, so I headed to the end of the school to get to the Gym. Once I got in, the place was empty. Not a single person was in the gym. I slowly made my way to the locker room and found everyone sitting there in silence. Once I got in, I already knew what the problem was.

It was me. They knew about the pictures.

I walked out of the room without responding to them and started to hold back tears on my way out of the gym. Once I got out, I ran out to the teacher's bathroom, which I could lock. I used to go in here anytime I wanted to be alone. For some reason, this room brought me comfort.

Did Cartman run away? What if he never returns? Maybe he really did give everyone the pictures somehow. He was smart at finding ways to hurt people. After all, I might deserve all of this.

I stared at the mirror and screamed as loud as I could. My body became weak and I fell down to the bathroom tile in tears. Everything was fucking up in the past two weeks. Now I understand what it's like to want to kill yourself, because I wanted to die right there on the floor.

** Cartman's POV:**

"Tell me you want me to fuck you harder", the man begged. "If you don't I'll fucking kill you."

His motions became faster as he raped me. My hands held onto the bed sheets and squeezed them as hard as possible, but the pain was impossible to escape. I stopped biting on my lip and cried out, "Harder!"

He slammed farther inside of me and I started feeling nauseous. I couldn't control the sickening in my stomach. Eventually, I puked all over the bed sheets. It burnt my throat and I felt tired and sick. Immediately after I did, he took himself out, grabbed my head, and rubbed it into the vomit. I shut my eyes as I tight as possible trying to avoid the sight and burning my eyes. He kept yelling at me, "This is what you fucking deserve you fat piece of shit! It's your fault you're here!"

I turned my head to the left of the bed to see Scott. He looked at me as if he was scared himself. It didn't make much sense to me. Maybe he realized that if I died, than that means he would too sense he's just a hallucination of mine. "You came here to kill him", he said pointing at a knife that was on the floor next to used condoms.

Then it came to me. My mother's suicide, every single minute of the abuse I took, my food habits, and everything in-between were all leading up to this moment. This day was waiting for me for a long time and I had to make the decision.

He got up and was about ready to get back inside me, but I pulled myself off the bed, grabbed the knife, and rushed at him with it. He stared at me knowing of the rage I possessed and didn't move. I jabbed the blade right into his chest and pulled it back out. He screamed out at me and grabbed my arm, but I pulled off and ran out of his bedroom. I ran down the hall to the bathroom and locked the door shut. In response, he started slamming onto the door. I looked around the restroom for a window. Of course there wasn't one. Plus, running out of a house naked covered in blood and vomit doesn't sound like a good idea.

Next to the toilet was a collection of supplies. The toilet looked like it was broken and probably being worked on. That's when I saw the toolbox next to it. As he kept slamming the door, I went through the box in search of something to keep me safe. I took a hammer out, held it in my palms and stood next to the door waiting for him.

The door slammed open and almost hit me. He charged at me and I raised the hammer above my head than slammed it down as hard as I could against his face. With that he fell down to the ground and the blood puddle rushed out through his nose and mouth. I got down on my knees, still having my hands tightly gripped on the hammer, and bashed his head in again.

It felt good to see his face start to look deformed. I kept hitting his head with the hammer for a straight minute with every piece of rage that had been held inside of me. His arms twitched and for every time I slammed the hammer down onto him his right leg would kick.

Finally, I dropped the hammer and crawled back from his motionless body. Scott appeared above the corpse and started laughing.

"Damn, Eric", he said. "You really are fucking crazy. He was dead after the first bash to the skull, but you kept going. What are you going to do about this mess? Call the police? Don't think they'll let you get away with killing him. Your rage isn't going to just disappear because you've released it. You're only making it worse."

I stood up and walked out of the room to the bedroom again. There was a cellphone lying on the ground next to the door and I thought about it for a while, but knew it was my only choice. I dialed the police and the woman asked, "This is the South Park Police Station, what's your emergency?"

"He raped me and I killed him. I smashed his fucking head open with a hammer and now he's fucking dead."

"Can you state where you are?"

I hung up on her and fell to the floor crying. Almost every part of my body was covered in blood now. I expected Scott to come up and say something to me about how pathetic I am, but he didn't. Instead, my brain felt empty of the voices now; like as if they were gone now.

The police arrived at the house about thirty minutes later. I remember having a gun pointed at me as a police officer asked me my name and what I was doing here. I pushed myself up and answered, "I killed the man who lives here. He took me and took advantage of me. I'm sorry, but I wanted to defend myself. I guess once I did, the rage was released and it turned into a bloodbath."

"Stay here", the officer said. "We've got an ambulance on the way and you'll get checked out as soon as possible. Everything is going to be fine."

"No it won't. It never has been and never will be."

A collection of paramedics came inside of the room. One put a large white blanket over me and I used it cover my body as we started walking out of the room. My body limped as I tried to get to the door, but the pain was too much. I fell down and had two of the paramedics help pick me up. They put me inside of a truck and lay me on top of a hospital bed.

Kyle would know everything this time. There was no escape from him seeing the truth. He would know that I'm a killer and at thirst for blood. He would never love me.

** Kyle's POV:**

It was after lunch in Algebra II when I got the call. My teacher told me to go the office because my parents were picking me up. My first thought is that they found out that I was gay. The other was that they had found Cartman.

When I got up to the front office, my parents stood there unhappily. I knew something was wrong. I asked my mother, "Why are you picking me up so early?"

"Hun, they found Cartman. He's in the hospital right now. We're going to go pick him up now. We had to talk to the police not too long ago and…I'm sorry Kyle. I can't tell you right here."

The three of us left to go to the hospital. The car ride was silent and my heart ached wanting to know what had happened. If he's in the hospital, could that possibly mean he tried to kill himself again? Once we parked the car, my hands were starting to sweat and my heart rate started rising. The walk back through the hospital was enough to be unsettling for me. It was too familiar.

My parents let me into his room and said they would give us some privacy. Eric was sitting on the floor next to the hospital bed dazing off at the wall. I sat next to him and asked, "Eric, what happened? If you tell me, I won't judge you."

He looked at me, and then put his head back down. "I was going to kill one of the men that raped me when I was a child, but ended up getting…You know. I don't really like saying that word; the 'R' word."

"What happened to him?"

He breathed out and put his hands over his eyes, slowly moving them down across his face like as if he was taking off some imaginary mask. He said, "I fucking smashed his brains out with a hammer. I killed the fucker and enjoyed every second of it."

* * *

Next chapter will go in depth on Butters, which I've wanted to do lately, but have had trouble trying to do.


	17. Chapter 17 Tyrant

**Butters POV:**

I throw my turquoise jacket on the bed and fall to the floor. My body is so numb from the cold weather that I don't even feel a thing. Pain is the only thing that actually proves that I'm real anymore. My cellphone says that I've got six missed calls from a load of pedophiles who want to fuck me tonight.

People don't understand why I sell myself. I live with these two people who are apparently my parents, but both of them are just as insane as I am. My mother quit her job as an Engineer four years ago and decided to get into becoming a therapist. My father on the other hand has been working at a nightclub for a while. He used to go there because he was curious in men and he turned out to be a complete fucking sadistic monster. I know more things about my father than my mother does. Two weeks ago I went to one of my regular's houses and my Dad left before I walked through the door. I don't know what he was doing, but I could just connect the pieces and guess.

So to sum it all up, my 'family' is absolutely fucking crazy.

Butters isn't me. My parents think that's who I am, but it's not. Every memory before seventh grade is just a complete blank from my brain. It scares me because once in a while I start remembering certain parts of my childhood and I don't know I want to remember the rest of it.

My mother opens the door and stands next to me as I try to pretend I'm asleep. "Wake up", she yells. "Your science teacher called to remind me for you to do your homework."

"Don't care."

She breathes out heavily and sits down next to me. I rub my eyes and try to focus back in on reality. My mother sighs and says, "The Cartman boy had a two hour emergency session with me today. Strangely, he talked to me this time and was serious. Like, he actually was telling me how he feels. That boy is suffering, Butters. I'd like it if you tried to comfort him the next time you seem him, alright?"

"Sure, mother."

She stared at me for about thirty seconds before exiting my room. My mother used to have this thing with grounding me, but after I tried to kill my parents by putting dynamite inside of their bed, that kind of shut them up. They've pretty much had to follow under my rules now.

I got up to walk towards my desk, peeked out my window and saw Kyle coming towards my house. Strange. The kid knew I had information and the truth about his friend, Cartman. This morning on the bus he was asking me about the pictures. I'm pretty sure he didn't know I was the one that spread them, but his suspicion should have been obvious.

The doorbell rang and I immediately busted out of my room running to the door. Mom was greeting Kyle inside and my heart started to beat faster as I saw his face look at mine. I kept up a smile and said, "How are you Kyle?"

"Could be better", he answered. "You know if we could talk somewhere else?"

"Sure, let's just go to my room."

He followed behind me to my room and closed the door. I sat down at my desk playing with a pen as he mumbled out the words, "Cartman told me everything."

I dropped the pen and my throat itched as I tried to think of something to say. "What do you mean, 'everything?'?"

"As in you told him where that sick guy was living. He said that you were the one that spread the pictures around and you were blackmailing him. What the fuck is wrong with you, Butters? You know how fucking lost I am? You're my fucking friend. What the fucking fuck happened to you?"

I could tell that he was bottling up rage and could explode at any minute. Yes, I took the precaution that he might find out. That's why I always have back up plans in duty.

"The deal is still open", I said. "If he kills Token, I'll destroy the files that I copied. I'll also give you something that you want. Are you interested?"

"No, I'm not interested Butters. Stop with this stupid fucking shit! You ruined my fucking life and Stan fucking hates me now! Just tell me what turned you into such a sick piece of shit and maybe I won't call the police on you."

"You remember when Scott Tenorman went missing? Did you ever think that maybe he was dead? I bet you wouldn't think that Cartman stabbed him and strangled him to death in the woods."

He stared directly at me in complete shock, which I expected. My head started to ache as I tried to keep thinking of ways to push Kyle into being on my side.

The child was coming back. I fucking hate him. Every time I seem to get too deep into myself, this childish version of me takes over. I couldn't let the child show at a time like this.

Kyle fell to his knees and started crying. He tried to eye me and asked, "Do you mean that he killed Scott Tenorman?"

"I was there", I replied. "Kenny knew about it. Surprised he didn't tell you. Actually, I'm surprised that even though the fatass could tell you about everything else, he still couldn't talk about killing his half-brother. You know that he's the hallucination in his head? Well, that's what he deserves for getting blood all over his fucking hands. Oh boy, I didn't mean all of that."

I covered my hand over my mouth and fell back out my chair. Did I just say 'Oh Boy'? The child must be taking over me again. Kyle gave me an awkward face and said, "What did you just say, Butters?"

"I said get out of my fucking house."

My eyes rolled to the back of my head and everything was black again.

**Kyle's POV:**

Butters was having a seizure next to his chair on the carpet. I ran over to try and help him, but as soon as I got down next to him it stopped. He looked at me confused like he didn't where he was and he stared directly at his hands.

"It's been awhile, Kyle", he said to me. "I don't get much time when I do get power over my body, so I have to help you before my other side takes over."

"What the hell do you mean, Butters?"

"I was diagnosed with Multiple Personality Disorder about a year ago. He keeps control over me most of the time, but I do save up my time to fight back in times like these."

It made sense. The Butters I was talking to for the past year didn't seem like the one I used to know. But what lead him to this? There had to be some type of event that moved him to this. I held Butters up against my chest as he started to cry out. His tears forced me to cry with him.

"You have to help me, Butters", I said. "Cartman can't kill Token. He's not a killer and he doesn't deserve to be put through this. You have to convince the other side of yourself to just stop doing this. Can you do that for me?"

"I can try, but I do have something that could help you. When the other me realized that Token was still alive today, he wanted to take things into his own hands. Afterschool he followed him halfway home to where Cartman used to live, knocked him out, and dragged inside of the house. He's on the second floor in Eric's room tied to a chair with no escape. His plan was to drag Cartman into killing Token, than he was going to kill me so it looked like he did it all. You can't let this go on. Please, just fix this before it's too late."

Butters eyes rolled to the back of his head and he fell out of my arms. I got up and walked away from him knowing what was about to happen. He wasn't strong enough and his other side was going to take over. I ran out of his room and flipped my phone out to call Kenny on my out of the house.

The phone rang about three times and then he answered, "What's up, Sexy?"

"Get to the house where Cartman used to live. Don't ask me any questions. This is fucking important and I need to trust that you'll help me out when I get there."

I started running as fast as I could to my house. Cartman was there and I had to make sure he was ok. After he told me what he did at the hospital he decided to just spill out everything. It was hard for me to handle, but I didn't want to disappoint him. Plus, I'd probably do the same thing if I was him. My parents took him to his therapist and they had a two hour session. When he got back home I asked if he was feeling any better. He didn't reply, but just sat back down at the piano and played without anything distracting him.

In his fourteenth journal, I remember reading, "I don't believe there is a positive end to any of this. It will only get worse. Even if the bad shit were to stop, the process of recovering would take twice as long."

He was right. This past couple days I've just thought to myself how I was going to handle all of this shit that has just happened in the past two weeks. Fuck, how is Cartman going to handle any of it?

As soon as I got back to my house I ran to my room. Cartman was still sitting there playing piano. I nudged at his shoulder to get his attention and he stopped playing after that. He itched at the scar that was still healing on his arm, and then slammed his head down onto the piano keys.

"We're going to get through this", I whispered to him. "I fucking promise it."

He slammed his head onto the piano again and said, "That doesn't mean much, coming from a Jew. How do you not know I'd slit my throat right here and right now?"

"Because you haven't done it yet."

I sat to the right of him on the small Piano chair and put an arm over my lover. There wasn't much time to stop Butters from making things worse. I wanted to tell him everything Butters told me, but I'm afraid he would try and kill him.

What if the only thing that helped him was killing those two people?


	18. Chapter 18 Spectators Of Suicide

**Cartman's POV:**

My fingers smoothly brushed the piano keys as I tried to focus on the silence between Kyle and I. He let his hands off of me and started walking back towards the door. I turned around and asked, "Where are you going?"

"I have to meet up with Stan", he answered. "We've got allot to make up for because of those pictures. You should get some sleep. If you need anything, my mom has my number and you can call me. I'll only be gone for an hour."

"Whatev."

He left the room and I immediately rushed under Kyle's bed. He hid his shaving razors under there along with any other sharp objects that I could find after I attempted suicide. I'll just say that jews aren't that good at hiding things. I grabbed one of the palm sized razors and stuffed it inside of my pocket.

The jew was lying to me. He was talking to Butters before he came back, which meant he must have been either meeting up with Butters again or something else. It's not hard to tell when he's lying. His voice sounds a tad bit higher when he does and he sounds like he knows he's saying bullshit.

I opened the door and made sure nobody was in the hall to notice me leaving the house. I'm sure Sheila would go absolutely insane if she found out I sneaked out, but that didn't matter; finding out what Kyle was hiding from me seemed more important. I waited about a minute after I heard the door closed so I had enough time behind him to where he wouldn't notice me easily.

Kyle was already four houses down when I got outside. I stood in the yard of people's houses and kept quiet as close to the bushes as possible. It would be difficult following him because at this time at night it's as silent as space itself. You can hear someone breathe from a mile away.

After we passed down four streets I started to connect the dots to where we were going. He was taking the long way to my house. I know this way because when we were really young this was the only way he knew how to get to my house.

But why the hell would he be heading towards my house?

I got into the bushes across the street from my house as I watched Kyle turn his head around before going inside. The lights in the house were on which meant someone else must have been in there. Once he closed the door I ran across the street and went straight towards my door. I opened it slowly and as soon as I was inside I heard a door from upstairs shut.

All the furniture and items that were once in the house was gone. The house was completely empty with nothing inside of it. I walked out into the kitchen and stared at the wall where the fridge used to be. I felt a strange connection staring at that wall. That fridge was probably one of my biggest triggers to cause my overeating. Now it was gone and I'd never be able to take something out of it again.

I ventured into my mother's room, which was also empty. It was depressing how everything that my mother and I once loved about this house was now gone. I left the room, than started heading up the stairs. There were people talking in a room close by and the closer the got the more I realized where it was. I could hear about four people in my bedroom.

My hand gripped onto the doorknob and I breathed out before pushing it open. In the middle of my vacant room was a chair with Token tied to it. He had a bandage over his eyes and mouth. Standing behind him was Butters pointing a gun to his forehead. Kyle and Kenny stood close to the wall where I came in.

"Nice to see you again, Cartman," Butters said to me. "Our deals still on. If you kill him I'll destroy those files, but if I have to do it, I'll kill your friends too."

"Fuck you, Butters!"

I looked over to Kenny and asked, "Why the fuck are you here? What the fuck is going on in the first place?"

"Kyle told me to come here. I didn't actually expect any of this."

I got down on the floor and put my head down and started screaming. One person was already murdered thanks to me today. Now I wanted to kill Butters. No, I didn't just want to kill Butters. I wanted to kill Token too, just for the hell of it.

Scott placed a hand on my shoulder and I pushed him away yelling, "Fuck off! Get out of my fucking head!"

The rage was consuming me and I knew Scott was getting off on it. I once hated having blood on my hands, but now I wanted to be drenched in it. "Kill them all", he whispered to me. "Don't you want to show them how much stronger you are?"

My nails dug deeper into my arms and my wound started opening back up. I got back on my feet and walked over to Token.

"Don't do it", Kyle cried out. "You're not a killer!"

"Shut the fuck up!"

I went up to Token and eyed him for a bit. He was a good friend and never seemed to bother me. One of my hands reached around his neck and I looked up at Butters as he smiled. Then, for some reason, I let go.

Butters pulled the gun at me and screamed, "You fucking pussy! I bet it felt good when that man spread you on his bed sticking his dick inside of you."

My hands turned into fists and I jumped over to Butters, knocking Token and his chair over. I punched him in the face as hard as I could, but he kept laughing at me. The gun was still gripped tightly in his hands.

"Your mother was a slut and I'm happy she's fucking dead", he said. "You know you want to kill me. Go ahead! Or are you too much of a fucking pussy?"

I grabbed his right arm and he let go of the gun as if he was letting he have it. He was still laughing, but in tears. I took the gun out of his hand and pulled it to his neck, about ready to pull the trigger. He licked his lips slowly and closed his eyes. I asked, "What the fuck happened to you Butters?"

"I'm not Butters", he shouted back at me. "That child is fucking dead. Now I'm living in his skin. You know what that feels like? It doesn't even matter. Before I came over here I sent over a copy of the files over the internet to about fifty people in our grade. I guess you should just kill me and get this over with. Token can go on living happily ever after and you and your boyfriends can fuck each other's assholes."

He sat up and pulled the gun out of my hand, then put it to his own head. Kyle ran over and shrieked, "Don't do it! There's still some good inside of you. There's good in everyone."

"Why are you so fucking blind?"

"I'm not. You have to trust me. We can all get out of this in one piece."

"There's a killer inside of everyone. You don't have to believe me, but it's true. You can find a prostitute, killer, rapist, and liar inside of everyone's hearts. Even if there is good in people, there's still that dark side of them that's waiting to come out. Unfortunately, most of us don't let it out."

Kenny came over and untied Toked from the chair. Token was either asleep or unconscious at the time. I started to understand what Butters was saying now, but I didn't believe that other side of him was gone yet.

"You remember when we were kids and we went to that amusement park, Super Fun Time? What about when we used to play as detectives? Do you remember any of those childhood memories? Remember those. They're what prove that you're still Butters."

His hands started shaking, but he still kept a grip on the gun pointing it to his head. "I don't want to remember", he cried. "They aren't my memories. Just let me leave this fucking body and return to wherever else I came from."

I looked over to see Kenny pulled Token's arms up to try and move him out of the room. He asked Kyle, "You got to help me out with this. We need to get him out of here."

Both of them were holding Token and moving him out of the room. Kyle looked over to me standing by the door and said, "Please, both of you get out of this house alive."

Then he left us in the room. I moved closer up to Butters and stared at him trying to time myself by how I would get the gun from his hands. Suddenly, I jumped at him and knocked the gun out of his hand. He reached a hand over to try and grab the weapon, but I pulled him away and grabbed it myself.

"You have to kill me, Cartman. I've ruined you and your friend's lives. I'm not even who I used to be. There's no point in keeping me alive. You can kill me slowly if you want. I don't care, just please get this fucking shit over with."

Scott sat down in the chair that Token was once sitting in, smiled gratefully and said, "Give him what he wants. If you're suicidal, then it would just be hypocritical to let him live."

I pulled my gun out at Scott and fired a bullet right through his chest, which knocked him out of the chair. Butters moved back into one of the corners of my room and I realized that he knew who I shot at.

"Scott won't leave you, no matter how many times you shoot him with that gun."

"Shut the fuck up", I yelled pointing the gun back at him. "I'm not going to kill you."

I walked over to him and sat next to the blonde, putting the gun in his hands, but keeping my hands on it still. He looked at me strangely and I moved the gun in his hands to my chest.

"I'll tell you why you should shoot me. This isn't something like a poor me cry out thing, but more of me just telling you how pathetic I am. Downstairs, where the fridge used to be in the Kitchen, I used to sit next to it for hours just eating food out of it. I even talked to it at times. You know how fucking lonely that makes me? I was talking to a fridge while stuffing my mouth with donuts. Then my mom, who loved me more than anything, would come home after sucking dick and show me comfort. But you know what I'd do? I'd tell her to fuck off. I hated the only woman who ever loved me. She killed herself over me. That means I'm responsible for her death. So I've killed three people in my life - Scott, My mother, and that rapist pedophile. You want to know why I killed Scott? It's because he was fucking my mother. He blackmailed me and said if I told anyone he would tell everyone about what those men who paid my mom were doing to me in my bed. I couldn't even speak to myself about it. You know how fucking angry I was? When we were in the forest together and he was bleeding to death, he cried out to me. But guess what I did? I put my belt around his neck and choked him to death. And that pedophile that I killed today, I smashed his fucking brains out of his skull with a hammer."

"Fudgesticks, I didn't know. I'm so…It's my fault."

He said Fudgesticks.

I let my hands off the gun and stood up. He stared down at the gun in his hands and sat it down in the corner, then stood up next to me. Scott was still bleeding out on the carpet and reached a hand up, crying, "You can't move on from me! I won't let you. Don't leave me here, Cartman. You fat fuck are you listening?"

Both of us walked out of the room and made our way down the stairs.

"I lied, Cartman", Butters said. "I destroyed those files before I came over here. I also sent out a message to Stan saying I was the one who spread the pictures around the school."

"It's alright. We're going to get through this together now. No matter how long this takes."

Before walking out of the house, I stared out through the living room and pictured my mother there. I whispered to myself, 'Goodbye, mother. I love you.'

Kenny and Kyle stood outside in the snow holding Token up. He was starting to wake up now. We looked at each other and I gave them a nod to show that everything went ok. Butters and I walked down a different path as my friends started walking Token back home.

* * *

Planning on continuing this up to one last chapter. If I still have ideas, I'll make two more. Hopefully this wasn't too quick or anything.


	19. Chapter 19 Stop Swimming

Kenny and Kyle were sitting on the carpet next to my piano. I turned over to them, closed the piano lid and asked, "You really think Token is going to forgive Butters for all of this?"

"Maybe", I replied. "Can you forgive him for what he did to you, Kahl?"

They both look at each other and my jew tossed his hat across the room.

"Maybe one day. I still haven't talked to Stan and I don't know if any of this will come out the way I want it to. Can you forgive him?"

It took me a couple seconds to think about the question and I responded, "Yeah, I think I actually understand his point of view. I think I understand."

Kenny pulled out a cigarette and tried lighting it with his lighter, but it was out of fluid. He smacked himself in the head with it and his eyes started tearing up. I pulled off my jacket and lay it next to the right side of the piano chair and said, "You need a cigarette that bad? I've been able to go without them for a couple days now."

"It's not that", he mumbled under his breath. "I'm going to confront my father for what he did to me."

All three of us sat in silence not knowing what to say, but just trying not to focus on the shit eating at us. Then I came to realize that maybe I should stop making fun of Kyle for being a jew, because he obviously isn't going to change. He's proud of what he is and I haven't found one thing that I'm proud of about myself. Maybe I should stop making fun of Kenny for being poor, because it's not his choice and he's been my best friend forever.

I got down onto the carpet with them and said, "I want to help both of you because of what you've done for me. Tomorrow morning before school I'll be there when you talk to Stan, Kyle. And Kenny, tomorrow night I'll spend the night to give you support if you decide to confront your father. You guys don't have to thank me, I owe you this. I've been such a fat asshole all these years. I just wish I took the time to care about the people that loved me before I ended up hurting them.

"Uh…," Kenny paused for a couple seconds. "I…never expected any of this to come from you. I know you said for us to not say thanks, but you'll have to get over it. Thanks, dude."

Jew boy woke me up in the morning by hitting pillows to my face. "Wake up fatass! Stan's going to be here any minute and I can't have you naked in my bed."

Oh, that's right. The three of us had sex; I sneaked into the Kitchen and drank all of the hidden Vodka. Ooops. I remembered that Kenny left around three in the morning.

Kyle started tossing clothes at me to put on. I sat up on the bed and slid on the clothes, still tired and lightheaded. A knock came to the door and I immediately rushed over to the piano as if to pretend like I was already there.

"Come in", my lover said. The door opened and Stan walked inside looking quite bothered. He went up to the computer desk and sat down in the chair waiting for an explanation for everything.

"Butters was the one that spread the pictures around", Kyle said. "We've been friends forever, man. You can't just let this go. I'm sorry that you had to quit football, you know that. I've already explained to some people that I'm the one who's gay, not you. I kissed you in those pictures, not the other way around. I don't want to lose you, even if that means more people in school hate me or whatever. Please, understand this for what it's worth."

He started crying and I looked over to my jew wanting to wipe the tears of his face, but I didn't want to make the situation any more gay then it already was. Stan stood up and replied, "I'd never leave you as a friend. It's just, I've been consumed by this not knowing who to be mad at or how to even feel. We're still friends, it's just, and I need a couple days away from you. Not trying to be an ass or anything, it's just I need to calm myself down and I'm afraid I'll end up making you feel worse if you stay close by."

Stan's words started to make me feel like he knew more about how I felt then he could ever realize. I knew that I was starting to crack again and that Kyle would now have to deal with my bullshit for as long as we live in this house. That meant I would probably end up hurting his feelings more in the future. All because I walked out of that house expecting to forget everything doesn't mean I just forgot everything. That's just impossible.

Soon enough, both of them had a cute man hug, but broke it up a couple seconds later as if it was a little too awkward.

"See you at school?"

"Yeah. Sure."

"What about you Cartman?"

I was caught off guard when he mentioned my name. "Uh, this Monday", I answered. "Jew has to finish all of my homework over the weekend though."

"Alright."

Stan left the room and I placed my fingers on the piano keys, brushing them as if they were completely dusty. Kyle came over to me, kneeled down and kissed my lips, then said, "I have to get to school. You know my number in case of emergencies. Take care, fatass."

Once he left the room I decided to get up and head towards the kitchen. Sheila stopped me as I opened the fridge and asked, "Have you taken your medication this morning?"

"No, I just woke up."

"Well, you'll need to. The medicine bottles are in Kyle's bathroom. Also, we're seeing your therapist in about an hour, so take a shower if you need to."

I itched my ass for a bit while scanning every part of the fridge for something to eat. My stomach was fucking growling now. I couldn't keep going on with not eating all this kosher bullshit. I dragged myself to the bathroom and stripped naked, jumping in the shower. Then I slid down letting the water rain down on me.

Fatass. He was still calling me that. And it's fucking true. I can't stand looking at myself with my shirt off. This disgusting body of mine, but I still choose to eat like a fucking pig. Yeah, I could go without cutting myself for a while or not being an ass to people, but I don't know how I can avoid food. That one's just impossible.

Once I was finished showering, I cleaned up and put back on the same pair of clothes. I was able to avoid looking at myself in the mirror the whole time. Once I was out, Sheila was already bothered and yelling, "We're going too late! Hurry up and get in the car!"

"I haven't taken my meds yet."

"You can take them when you get back."

Too quick to judge. She's still a big fat bitch.

* * *

"Cartman", Linda Scotch said. "Are you still there? Can you hear me?"

I was staring at the carpet, pretending to be out of it, but I really was trying to avoid talking to her. Fuck, I forgot I was still at my therapists for a second. That's how much I was distracted. "Yeah, I'm still here."

"Ok, well, last session went really well. How are you coping after what happened?"

"Really, I don't know. It seems like I don't even care. The thought of killing that guy hasn't bothered me at all."

She wrote some of this down in a notebook and kept staring at me expecting to say something a little more interesting. I studied the room trying to think of a topic, but found nothing in mind.

"I'm addicted to food", I blurted out. "There's nothing to ever eat at Kyle's house because they eat healthier and….shittier. Food is probably the safest way for me to solve my problems, or else I'd just resort to slashing at my skin with a box cutter or killing myself."

While writing all of this down, she asked, "Do you think exercising could be a positive way to solve some issues?"

"Fuck that shit. I'm too lazy to do that shit. I mean, I was interested in football for a while, but it's not like I'll ever be good like my friend Stan. I'm not good at anything, except manipulation and offending people."

"That's not true", she fought back. "Sheila tells me you're good at the piano. I know that music has been something you've been interested in. I mean, what about that one Christian band you started as a kid?"

"That's not happening ever again. First, I'm not a Christian anymore. Hell, if there's anyone other than me I blame for my childhood, it would be God."

"Well, I'm not saying go back to that project. What I mean is maybe you should just try to explore music again. I'm sure playing the piano has been quite helpful for you, right?"

"Yeah, but it's like I'm not really there when I play. I'm playing of course, but my mind is somewhere else. It's like I just shut my eyes, start playing, and let my mind take over into complete darkness."

Once I got back to the house I asked Sheila if I could sleep over at Kenny's house. Luckily, she said yes. Eventually I did take my medication, but I didn't like the idea of it. She watched me as I took it just to make sure I was going to.

_ I'm not crazy. Why do I need medication?_

When Kyle got home I was finishing up playing the piano. I asked him, "I know you want to come over sense all three of us are dating, but I think I want to have one on one time with him. It's just, him and I've gone through some of the same experiences and I think he'd feel safer with me when he confronts his dad. If you're around, he might get anxious."

"I understand, it's alright Cartman. Just don't do anything stupid. I love you, ok fatass?"

He said it again. I grabbed a bag Sheila gave to me to put my clothes and shit in and put it over my arm. Kyle was about to kiss me when I stopped him and said, "Please, if I'm not going to make fun of your religion, you can't call me fatass anymore. It offends me allot more than you think."

"Cartman, I didn't know…"

"It's alright. I should have told you. Well, I better get going."

We kissed and both of our tongues fought in each other's mouths. Damn, it was so hot that I just wanted to fuck him right then and there. But there were more important things to do.

I walked out of the room and rushed out of the house. Walking to Kenny's house seemed better because I wasn't in the mood to listen to Sheila babble and all that bullshit. Good thing it wasn't snowing for once.

Once I got to his house, Kenny greeted me with a cigarette and pulled out one for him also. It had been a while sense I had that amazing feeling of sucking in that smoke. Both of us headed upstairs to his room. Kenny had his orange parka zipped up and covering everything but his eyes, which wasn't that normal. He used to wear it like that allot in elementary school and half of middle school, but he would only have it covering his face only a couple times a month during high school.

"mmmp mph mmmp mm m mmmhphh."

"You don't have to wear that around me", I said blowing smoke at him. "Take that off or I'm going back to Kyle's house."

He pulled the hood down to reveal his face and said, "I already told him. He left the house an hour after I confronted him. I don't know if he's coming back. He had his bags and everything."

"What? What did you say? What did he say? Why did he leave?"

"I just went up to him in his lab and mentioned it casually, which really threw him off. That's when I pulled out the big guns and went into details about what he did. He kept telling me he was sorry and bullshit, then told me to go back to my room before he ends up doing something he didn't want to do."

"So you did?"

"Yeah, I was scared. Even though I had the guts to confront him, hell, I don't know what he meant when he said that, but I didn't want to take my chances."

I inhaled the smoke of my cigarette and tried to digest all of this at once, thinking if his dad really would have just left.

"There's one more thing", Kenny said. "When I went down to the lab, everything was gone. I think that means he's literally not coming back."

He grabbed the bong that was lying on the floor and sat on his bed ready to hit off of it. Kenny didn't seem that much bothered by everything, but then again he looked fucking stoned. I pulled the bong away from him and moved his chin up with my hand to force him to look at me. Tears started rushing down his face and I pulled him off his bed, helping him to his feet.

"I know what you're going through," I whispered into his ears. "If you trust me, we'll get through this together."

Kenny almost dropped to the floor and my hands as I kept ahold of him. He was breaking down in tears right now, which lead me to do the same thing. Both of us kept hold of each other, sobbing like babies. I slowly made my way down to the floor with him, holding the boy in my arms still. He wiped the tears off his face and I said to him, "Kenny, he's gone because he's a coward. None of this is your fault."

He finished off his cigarette and put it out on his arm and said to me, "But it is, Eric. If you can attempt suicide, shouldn't I get the chance to do it too?"


	20. Chapter 20 The End

Two years ago in freshman year of high school Kenny made a deal to me that he would never kill himself. Once I figured out that he literally couldn't die, it bothered me to know that most of the times he died were self-inflicted. Sure, he made allot of clumsy accidents in elementary school that killed him, but one day he came up to me saying that he had killed himself over fifteen times. That was in sixth grade when he said that to me.

So in freshmen year he promised he wouldn't do it ever again. He hasn't died ever sense, or at least so I haven't been told. Many people like Stan and Kyle wouldn't believe him when he said that he was immortal, but I still.

The way I figured out he couldn't die was when I was on his computer. He had this folder labeled "suicides" and I clicked it. On it were a collection of videos of himself killing himself in various ways. It was just fucking disturbing to see one of my best friends die that many times. He came in on me watching it and explained everything, but it took until two weeks ago for him to tell me why he was really doing it, which was because of what his father did to him. I couldn't sleep for six days straight after he explained everything.

"I miss dying", Kenny said holding onto my jacket tightly. "You wouldn't understand I'm sure, but death is almost like the ultimate high. Those last seconds of living is the most intense out of body experience a human can witness. It's better than this shitty pot."

"You made a promise. Plus, I'm here to help you now. Not only that, but you've got two boyfriends that love you. I know Kyle doesn't know everything about you, but he doesn't have to."

"Just let me do it one more time and I promise I'll never try it again. What's the problem with letting me do it if I never die anyways?"

"Because I fucking love you. Not everyone can just die and come to life like you, Kenny. Even if you keep surviving, it's the fact that you tried it that still sticks out more than anything."

Both of us sat together quietly until I asked, "Where's Christophe?"

"He's supposed to go out spying to see where my Dad is going. He's also getting a carton of cigarettes for us too."

I brushed his cheek with my fingers and he started to lie in my arms like a child. The burn from his cigarette looked like it was going to scar and I wanted to touch it for some strange reason, but decided not to.

We stayed together in his bedroom room for the rest of the night mainly watching slasher films. Carol Mccormick, Kenny's mother came in and dropped off some cookies and shit for us to eat, but didn't ask us how we were doing anything. It seemed strange she didn't even want to talk to her son about her husband leaving and whatnot.

Around midnight, somebody called Kenny's house phone. He was already asleep, so I rushed to get it from off his night stand. Before answering, I thought to myself if it was his dad and what would happen. Maybe it was Christophe telling us what he found. When I picked up the phone, a familiar voice that I couldn't quite recognized said, "Cartman, go down one house to the right of you. You're allowed to come inside, so don't worry about knocking. "

My heart started racing as I remembered who lives right next door to Kenny, the people that adopted Scott Tenorman. That was the whore house my mother used to go to all the time. Not too long ago it got cleared out by the police and it became an empty house.

I hung up the phone and rushed down the stairs. Every light in the house was off so it was quite hard trying to not trip on the broken stairs. I got outside and it was snowing again, but not as cold as before. The house next door had all the lights on. Slowly, I paced myself to the house next door. Once I was at the front door, I slowly turned the doorknob. My first step in I realized that the floorboards were all torn up and snapped like the stairs in Kenny's house. The house was empty like mine before I left it that night with Butters.

The door slammed closed behind me and I screamed like a fucking girl. My hands covered my mouth immediately after as I tried to shut myself up, but it's like I couldn't hear a single thing in the house. Not even a creek or breeze of wind. The house was as vacant and dead as possible.

I walked out into the living room to see a static television, a VCR hooked to it, and a move sitting next to it. Nothing else was in the entire room. It felt like these three objects were all that was left of the house, like they were the center point of the nothingness the place had become. The house lights flickered as I sat down on the floor next to the TV. I grabbed the video, which was labeled, "FINAL WORDS", and placed it inside of the VCR player.

The static turned into a room with a chair. For a few seconds the footage was shaky, so I implied it was recorded off a cheap video camera. That's when someone sat down at the chair – Scott Tenorman.

He was crying on the camera and moped into it saying, "If you're watching this that means that I'm dead. It also means that you probably killed me." Scott paused for a moment to wipe the tears running from his face. "I know what you're plan is. Butters told me everything. Although, I'm going to let you have this. You see, I've learned something lately. Over these years I've tried my best to fuck you over and it's just pointless in the end. I knew it would come to this, I just didn't expect it to be this fast. Butters is a good friend, so take care of him when I'm gone. I told him that you wouldn't be able to carry it out because I know you're too weak, but I know you're probably twice as strong as me now. Thanks to that rage I've given you, you'll become something worse than me. That's my gift to you, Eric Cartman – my insanity. I can't keep holding onto this shit any longer."

It seemed like he was trying to come up with more things to say, but instead, he was silent for about fifteen more seconds before shutting the camera off. Once it was over, I grabbed the VCR player and tossed it at the fucking wall, ran over to it and started stomping on the piece of shit.

"Cartman", a voice said close by me. "What ze hell are you doing?"

Christophe. He was holding a carton of cigarettes in one hand and a gun in the other. I asked, "Why do you have your gun out?"

"Well, I thought someone was hurt. So I came here to make sure everything was ok."

He put his gun back into his pants and signaled with his hands for me to come out of the house with him, so I did. Both of us walked back up to Kenny's house and Christophe didn't ask me what was wrong, but I could feel like he wanted to ask why I was in that house smashing a VCR to pieces.

* * *

Now here I am, with Kenny, his family, and Chris eating cocoa puffs at a dinner table. I've had three bowls so far, so I finish off the box and dump the rest of the cereal inside of it.

"So Chris, what did you find out about my dad", Kenny asked. He pushed his cereal bowl away and I immediately snatched it out of pure hunger, dumping what's left of it inside my bowl.

He replied, "Your father stopped at some place called ze 'Sunny Hope Village'."

"The fuck is that?"

"It's a rehab."

Carol McCormick stood up and left the room, which lead to everyone lying eyes on her. Kenny stood up and left the room to go chase her and I stared directly down at my bowl.

"It's Saturday", Christophe said. "Doesn't that mean your mother's funeral service is today?"

How the fuck did I fucking forget? Am I really that bad of a god damn sun to forget that?

"Yeah, but I decided I didn't want to go. Just seems like too much at the moment with all that's gone on lately."

I finished up my cereal and left the room, looking for my friend. He was by the door holding onto his mom as she cried into his shoulder.

"It's sad isn't it", a voice said next to me. It was Scott. Fuck, I thought he was gone for good from my head when I left him in that house for dead. "After he's had a meth lab under the house that could have killed his whole family and even after he raped one of his own kids, that woman still cries over him. Doesn't that bother you? Don't you just want to split her throat right now?"

"Fuck off", I mumbled under my breath. "You don't convince me anything now."

"Really? Is that fucking true? You let Butters live, but how would you feel if it was him that put that tape there in that house? Or what if it was Christophe? I mean, he was the one to find you. Come on, connect the dots. I think you should just kill both of them. The more blood the better."

Kenny looks over to me and I immediately turn around to go back towards the kitchen. I didn't want him to think I was sneaking up on his conversation or anything. Everyone from the table was gone now, probably getting dressed for my mother's funeral.

Does it make me a bad person for not wanting to see her face again? I'm afraid that If I see it, It'll make me think about what she looked like when I came into her room.

Scott grabs onto my shoulder, turns me around and says, "You're such a fucking pussy. You won't even go to see the service set up for your mother, yet you were able to stare at my dead face with pleasure."

I walk back over to Kenny as his mom walks off and ask, "You want to go to Kyle's? Maybe the three of us could team up and see a movie or something."

"Uh, sure. I'll just have to tell Christophe and then we can go."

He runs up the stairs and I sit down by the door to wait. "Having your friends close to you isn't going to make me disappear", Scott said. I grabbed him by the leg, pulled back and he straight to the floor. He laughs hysterically at me as I start slamming my fists into his face. Blood from his mouth and nose covers my hands and I keep giving it to the fucker. Finally, I stop and he spits out a chunk of blood onto the floor, along with a couple teeth.

"Please, keep hitting me", he cried out. "It's not like your lover boy isn't watching you slam your hands into the floor and break your knuckles."

I look over to see Kenny, completely shocked and awe, then look back to see Scott missing. My knuckles are bleeding like he said and I say, "It's not what it seems."

"What the fuck was that Cartman?"

"Please, let's just forget this and go."

"Go? You expect me to just forget the fact that you were punching the floor like a mad man, and then we just go see a movie like nothing ever happened? It's already strange enough that we'd go see a movie on the day your fucking mom is being buried six feet under."

"I really don't know to say this in a nice way, but please, shut the fucking hell up."

He came over to me and kicked me right in the stomach. I fell on my back and picked myself up, starting to cry to myself. Kenny grabbed my cheeks tightly and said, "If there's something you're not telling me, you better say it now. We should be passed the point of secrets by now. "

I open up the front door, stepped outside and fell down right into the snow. Kenny is trying to pull me up, but he must not realize how fat I really am. So I just pick myself up to save him the wasted effort.

"I was punching Scott", I say to him. "Yeah, I've had vivid hallucinations of him ever sense I killed him. You happy now? That's one of the many things I have to deal with on a daily basis, including my childhood, food, cutting, and my mom's death. Life is so fucking great that today would be a perfect day to just jump off a god damn cliff."

"Well, I've done that before and it doesn't feel too good. If you kill yourself, I'm going to do it to. You know why? Because I can't live without you. You telling me this right now is only going to bring us closer. I feel like the more I talk to you the less I need to hide behind my hoodie."

He pulls out a cigarette for himself and lights it, asks me if I want one, but I refuse. I start walking without responding back to what he said, trying to be as big of an asshole as possible.

"Cartman, are you going to say-". I interrupt his words with a kiss to his lips, putting my hands around his waist. I can tell the perverted stoner is turned on, but slightly embarrassed by the fact I'm doing this in public.

Surprisingly, he responds by rubbing my chest slowly. "I love you kenneh", I whisper into his ears. A tear runs down his face and I clean it off with my finger, then decide to keep on walking to my favorite Jew's house.

* * *

"No kahl", I argued. "We didn't have sex without you. It's not that big of a deal anyways."

"Not a big deal? We're in a relationship – all three of us!"

The jew thought I was banging Kenny all night. His parents are out of the house at my mother's funeral, so we have the place all to us. Well, Ike's jerking off to Hannah Montana in his room, but that isn't really relevant.

"We should fuck", Kyle whined. I fell back on my bed and replied, "You know, today isn't really that good of a day for a threesome."

I slide my hand under my pillow only to find my iron cross necklace. Seems like I've been forgetting about allot of things lately. Every thought in my head was being shoveled into one hole for me to drown in and this necklace was there just to remind me a little bit more about my mother. It's not that I want to forget about her, but I do want to move on somehow. Kenny sits down next to me on my bed and then I say, "Fuck it. Let's fuck."

Immediately after saying that, Kyle jumps onto the bed and pulls my shirt over my head. Kenny's laughing his ass off while trying to strip himself and I shove my hand into Kyle's pants rubbing his hard member.

"With everything that has happened the past two weeks", Kyle preached. "Something simple as this can relieve everything. Yeah, it's cheesy to think that if we all just bang each other breathless then all of our problems will disappear, but it brings us closer together. It's that sharing of love is what matters."

Kenny sticks his tongue deep into my mouth and I run my fingers down his chest to his dick. He brings himself down to suck on my nipples as the Jewboy keeps talking, "And now we see that there is nothing more real than the three of us on this bed warming each other's bodies. Who ever thought the escape could be so close to us? Who ever thought that escape could feel so good?"

I pull down my pants and boxers as Kyle pulls my penis up, and licks it from base to tip. Soon enough it was soaked in his spit and slowly enough, he put me inside of him. Kenny stood above me and had let Kyle suck down on his dick while I watched Kyle rock up and down on my cock.

"You see, I've learned something today", Kenny moans. "Friendship, oh fuck that feels good, is what's kept the three of us alive for so fucking long. Don't you guys see it? I've killed myself hundreds of times and avoided looking for hope because I didn't believe in such a thing. But I've never felt better now that I'm here getting sucked off and about to get fucked by my best friend in a couple minutes."

Kyle got himself off of me and lied out on the bed in exhaustion. I pushed Kenny down and rolled him around to where I could see his face. My favorite Jew jerked off while watching us as I pulled the poor boys legs up and stuck myself inside. I say, "We're only teenagers and still have the rest of life to see. Sure, not every day will be what we want it to be, damn you're tight, but we'll still have each other. None of our secrets or our past can destroy that now. And for the first time in my life, I'm thankful for something."

I fuck Kenny as fast and hard as I can and he moans out, shooting his load all over his chest. Kyle stuffs himself inside of my mouth as I'm finishing off my load too.

"Eric, I love you."

"M mmph mph mmph."

"Now you're sounding like Kenny."

My tongue rolls around his dick inside my mouth which sends him over board to exploding his load inside of me. I slowly take him out of my mouth, cleaning any piece of the semen left and swallow it down.

"Hey Kyle, you forgot to suck my balls."

* * *

Yeah, I made the ending pretty sexual. Sue me. This is also the last chapter, but don't worry, because I'm working on a new fanfic that comes from Kenny's POV. It's a totally different story and is more of a horror/disturbing story. Really, I was stuck not knowing how to end this for a whole day, until I thought, "Why not just end this in the most unexpected way possible, even if it disappoints two thirds of my fans?" Well, I did it. I mean maybe I'll think of an alternative ending later on and add that on.

I'd like to thank everyone who's read this story and commented on it. Thanks for putting up with my version of psychotic Cartman. Also, the writers of South Park are Gods and I will worship them now.


End file.
